A Different Kind of Adventure...

Adventures of the heart are the messiest, the most complicated, the most - in some ways - exciting...

Lately, I've been forced to explore my heart a little more than I would have if no outside factors interfered. Like me re-reading the book Captivating that talks about how a woman, in her heart, longs to unveil beauty, to play an irreplaceable role in an adventure. I read this book when I was a freshman in college, and it really spoke to my heart. Four years later, I have learned a lot, but the words of truth that I read in this book still echo in my heart.

The haunting questions never entirely go away. Blame it on the fall, I guess. I suspect that Genesis 3 plays itself out in subtle ways:

¹⁶ To the woman he [God] said,

“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;
with painful labor you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you.”

We feel pain in the relationships we have, even when they are good. Questions about worth are always lingering at the edges. Why else would Christians connect with songs with lyrics like this?

"I want to be beautiful, to make you stand in awe, look inside my heart, and be amazed..." (Bethany Dillon, "Beautiful")

"Who will love me for me? Not for what I have done or what I will become..." (JJ Heller, "Love Me")

Or from one of my recent favorites by Tenth Avenue North's "You are More"

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

So it's everyone, wondering if they are worth it. Will I be good enough? What if they don't approve of me? What if they don't like me? Who am I really? What do I want to be, and who should help me decide? What if I am really too much?

People say, "Follow your heart" but I don't trust my heart. There are too many contradictions. I can even proof-text it! Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" I don't really know what I want, and my heart is often confused and scared... That advice doesn't hold much hope for me.

And yet.

I think about my favorite movies. I have four that I would be willing own, and a few more that I like a lot. Enchanted. Horton Hears a Who. Slumdog Millionaire. My Name is Khan... Hitch. As I was considering questions of worth and being loved, I thought about these movies. Why do I like them? One thing they all have in common is that they have characters who are not afraid to be themselves even if the rest of society thinks they are weird. Amy Adams's character in Enchanted sees the world as a fairy tale place. Her sweet, fun-loving spirit wins over the cynical, grumpy characters and all of Central Park bursts into song about love. Khan has Aspberger's syndrome, and he acts like himself even though he is not like everyone else - and he doesn't mind. Horton protects the tiny speck the Whos live on at personal risk, not listening to naysayers.

So what is it about these characters that I love? I want to be like them, sweet and beautiful and genuine and truly caring about other people. I want to spread sunshine with my presence. The cool thing? Sometimes I AM like them. Like last Thursday when I was biking around Sioux Center and spontaneously decided to run across a footbridge, twirl around on a merry-go-round, and scream with laughter while swinging really high in an empty park...that is right next to a three-way stop. So everyone in their cars stared at me. But I was grinning so hugely that I didn't care, and I could even believe that I was bringing something happy to their days. That's the kind of girl I want to be.

On the other hand, most of the time I don't believe that people love me. In fact, it surprises me that they seem to like me. And I'm afraid of not being liked, in some ways, too. Part of the fall - such an abstract, neat theory. Part of my life - that gets a little more personal.

Process. It takes time. And grace. One day, the flower of my heart will blossom fully. Until then, I'm budding. Color peaking around the hard shell, growing little by little. Some days, I feel loved and worthwhile and happy. Others, the questions haunt me. Yes, I know in my head, but my heart doesn't always believe. Lord, I want to believe...Help my unbelief.

"Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so..."

One Step at a Time

Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path."

I once heard someone say that God doesn't shine a spotlight ahead on life, showing us a long way forward in the dark. Instead, we have enough light to see our feet and what the next step is. Sometimes, I'm okay with this, and sometimes I'm not.

I've been realizing more and more lately that I'm a person who wants answers. I don't want to struggle with things long - I want someone to tell me the right answer. I'm not satisfied with having my own opinion; I want the right opinion. A lot of times, I don’t know what I think. I feel like I don’t know enough. I need to read the Bible more. I feel so inadequate, like I can’t explain my beliefs except through thinking about it. I don’t know what the whole picture of the Bible says.

So I just want the answers. I want someone to tell me what’s right. I don’t want to be wrong, especially in matters of faith. I don’t want to spread false news, or say something is the way it should be just because it seems best to me. I don’t feel credible enough on my own, with my own opinions.

Plus, everything is personal. I think about my own experiences. I think about how I think and feel about these words, these beliefs. These issues are not abstract discussions. They affect how I live my life. And I don’t want to be wrong. My willpower is pretty strong. I can just tell myself and others, “no" if I don't think it's the right thing to do.

So then the questions come. Should children come to the Lord’s Table? How will that cheapen or deepen the sacrament? When I struggle with whether or not God has chosen me, what do I have to cling to if I don’t think that God is the one who is active in the sacrament? Where does my choice come in?

What about immigration? What do I do about the people in my life who don't have documents? It's not an easy answer. Our book discussion group talks about the problems of the system of immigration, how we can understand feelings and opinions on both sides of the issue. I'm reading a theological journal that has lots of articles about immigration, and there are biblical arguments for different points of view.

The questions continue to haunt me. What is the right answer?

On a more personal level, what is the right answer for my future? Where am I going after Dordt in May? Well, I'm excited to share with you that I have the next step at least. The Spirit has illuminated the path ahead of my foot, there's light on my feet.

After graduation, I'll be working with my Spanish professor for another month. She invited me to live with her and work on some projects in her office. She's a darling, grandmotherly Honduran woman, and I'm looking forward to this experience. I was thinking that I'm not quite ready to leave Sioux Center, so I'm happy to have an extra month. Then, I'll go to school in either North Dakota or British Columbia, Canada for linguistics. I'll be taking an introductory SIL (Summer Institute of Linguistics) course and exploring the possibility of being a Wycliffe Bible translator.

So I have an idea about life til August. There are still lots of questions and issues to struggle with, but God is good, and I trust him. Jesus is the light of the world, and the light of my life. At least I don't have to be afraid of the dark even when I don't know where I'm going.

Metallica

So, I've never been a fan of Metallica. When they played their song in chapel on Wednesday, I couldn't even really understand the words of "Unforgiven" although I recognized the song. However, I thought that Pastor John Van Sloten had some good things to say.

Metallica's anger at injustice echoes a lot of what the Bible says about things gone wrong in the world. Amos 5:7 says that justice is gone, and that's what Metallica rages against in several of their songs. When Metallica screams that truth, they connect to us. Us who know that it's true. The world is a messed up place.

The Bible says that, too. All of us fall short, all of us have been separated from God, from goodness, from light. Our collective sinful condition creates the world we rage against, in fact. It is my slight to my roommate that is part of the larger structures of injustice and disinterest in the world.

So what do we do? The world is a broken place.

1) Keep raging. Like Metallica, just write more songs that scream about how awful it is. Have more conversations over coffee about the problems in the world. Smoke on the sidewalk and raise our voices against the systems that continue to oppress people.

...right. that sounds like it will do a lot of good.

2)Stuff it. Just suppress the anger. Entertain ourselves with chick flicks and comedies so we don't have to think about the problems of the world. Have everyone share concerned looks then move on to something else in the conversation, covering up the pain with quick, superficial swipes.

...been there, tried that, still hurts.

3)Forgive. The antidote for anger is forgiveness. This is the solution God came to. He could have hated us for our stupid ways and our rebellious attitudes. He could have tried to plaster over it and make the best of our filthy situation. But instead, he came, and he lived with us, and he forgave us. God has extended grace to us so that we can extend grace to others - even ourselves.

The good news of the Gospel is that we can be clean, we can be free from the anger and the hurt that haunt us. Like the lead singer of Metallica (Hetfield) said in an MTV interview, "At the end of the day, I'm broken inside." When we realize our hopelessness, we can turn to the source of all hope. We will learn that we are no longer outsiders, but we belong - belong to God.

And so a Wednesday morning chapel became more than about how Metallica came to church. It reminded me of the day Jesus came to my life. Days, actually.

...there's a solution I can live with, live in. The lavishness of the riches of God's glorious grace. Mmmm. :)

Gallo Pinto

Today we had a cultural fair at Dordt. Many of the international students told guests - from Dordt and the surrounding community - about countries close to their hearts. I had the privelege of standing alongside three Nicaraguans and representing the country in my heart: Nicaragua. There was a poster with information, a handheld game, and my part - gallo pinto and tortillas!

Last night we had a Nica night, and the native Nicaraguans and other friends came over to my apartment while we made gallo pinto. This process took about 5 hours from start to finish: rinse the red beans, soak the beans, cook the beans, cook the rice, fry the onions, mix in the red beans, mix in the rice. The picture above is Wendy and I making the actual gallo pinto - frying the onions, mixing in the beans, mixing in the rice.

It turned out really well, even though it was a lot of work. At the end of the fair, we still had a huge pan of gallo pinto leftover. Needless to say, I've been getting gallo pinto for breakfast this whole past week. As I finish this post a week later, we've finally finished it all. :) It was great to have this piece of Nicaragua for a while. I do miss the place, the people, the ways I became accustomed to. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy where I am right now, but I carry my Nica experience in my heart...

I'm very thankful that I can still talk to my Nica family and my friend Roberto! Mamá told me that they've made improvements to the house, and the city is putting blocks on our street so it won't be a dirt and rock strewn mess anymore! Hopefully one day I'll go back, and everything will look different. Such is the way of life, I guess.

Even though it's hard to make changes and accept that others are changing without me, I think it's good. I keep talking to God about the hard stuff - the good stuff too. In some ways, being uncomfortable drives me to be more intentional about life, and I think that's good. I'm just praying that Jesus will make it a life pleasing to him even when it's hard...

Fiesta

Tonight, I went to a fiesta. In Nicaragua, that would mean a night club with dancing. In Mexico, it means a party. This particular party was a birthday party. For two little boys.

The pastor at Amistad invited me to go with them to the shelter in the park today for a birthday party. There were lots of people from church there. Amistad is the church I attend here - services all in Spanish. I had told the pastor I felt a bit distant from the people at church because I've been attending pretty regularly (minus summers) for three years, and there are lots of people I've never talked to. I might know their names or things about them, but we don't interact. Part of that is my fault, and part of it is theirs. Pastor tried to remedy the situation a bit by bringing me with his family to the party tonight.

Of course there were awkward moments. I spent a lot of time looking around. It reminded me of my first days in Nicaragua, trying to get used to the people, their way of doing things... I don't mind looking quietly and occasionally feeling awkward. I think that's part of building relationships for me.

And don't get me wrong: it was not awkward very much of the time. I did a lot of listening and observing. It was different from birthday parties that I had attended in Mexico. No piñata, for one major thing. The food was potluck - taco stuff, meats, rice, spaghetti - instead of rice with peas, carrots, hot dogs, etc. like at Nicaraguan birthdays. The music was totally different - not the super-loud, kids' songs music of Nicaragua. Also, there was dancing towards the end, something that does not happen among evangelical Christians (at least when other Christians might find out). I kept noting the differences throughout the night.

I missed Nicaragua a lot - for the differences but also for the similarities. People were laughing and smiling a lot. They touched each other frequently, showing much more physical affection than most Americans do in a public setting. I don't just mean couples - I mean relationships on all levels: parents and children, friends, relatives, husbands and wives... It was nice to be in an atmosphere like that again. For some reason, I love the warm, affectionate, unreserved Latin cultures. It was nice to be back in that sort of atmosphere.

So, feliz cumpleaños, chavalitos y gracias por invitarme a tu fiesta

(happy birthday, boys (unique Nicaraguan word), and thanks for inviting me to your party).

Look at the Stars

That's what I should be doing - looking at the stars. At least, that's what my astronomy professor tells us. But really, it is just TOO COLD in Iowa to do that.

I've started school again. After a week and a half, I'm starting to feel like my head is on straight again, or getting there. Most of my stuff is arranged, I'm doing fairly well on keeping up with my homework, I'm making new friends and getting re-acquainted with old ones. Sometimes I feel like a new freshman on campus because I don't know hours or systems any more. Oh well.

Speaking of freshmen, my brother is here as one. Dirk and I went out for coffee together today, and I rather enjoyed it. People ask me if it is strange, but it's not really. It's odd for me to have people identify me as his sister instead of the other way around (him being identified as my brother). I run into the punk almost every day because of schedules, and we banter or talk or whatever. I like it.

I live in the new building at Dordt. My roommates and I are settling in together quite well. 3 of 6 are new, so we are all learning how to live with each other. In many ways, that's easier than being the new one in a group that has been together before. Last night, we bonded while eating M&M cookies at midnight. I needed some extra coffee today, but it was definitely worth it.

I was thinking about Dordt college life. I imagine that it's similar to a lot of college campuses, but I only know Dordt so I can only speak from my experience. It's a pretty unique time. Where else can you live near the majority of your friends? Soon we will all disperse, living far apart, working in different sectors... Students who commute have a different experience from those who live on campus. We all live, eat, and work together. We learn to embrace each other, love each other, put up with each other. Really, where else does this environment happen? I'm very thankful not only for the educational experiences I have, but also for the social ones. College is pretty cool. haha - school is cool! :)

Onward

Well, I've finally come home. A week ago, I was home alone, cleaning the house and doing random tasks, and I found myself comfortable with me again. Somehow, something had clicked. I think it must have been the Spirit moving because I'd been praying about how weird and disconnected I felt from everything, and then suddenly - I was home, physically and mentally/emotionally/spiritually. It feels good, and much healthier.

But, despite the hand warmers and toe warmers I received for Christmas, I'm still generally cold all the time! The acclimatization is taking a bit longer than the homecoming. So I'm fleeing the frigid weather of Indiana and flying south. South to Alabama, to visit my friend, Laura, for a week. We're going to go to the Passion 2011 conference in Georgia for a few days, and I'm going to be a part of her life in the south. I told her I want to eat her favorite southern food. We'll see what I end up getting...

Laura is one of my best friends. We met at a college visit neither of us ended up going to, but we lived close to each other, and we started hanging out. Now she has relocated to Alabama, and she's going to attend med school there and be a kick-butt doctor. Since I haven't seen her in a year, I'm going to go check out her life in the south. Unfortunately, it's not near the beach, and it won't be shorts weather, but 50s are better than 20s (Fahrenheit). Off to another adventure, and looking forward to it! :)

This is a picture from summer 2008, but we look pretty much the same. Laura came to the lake with my family and cleaned the fish we caught for dinner. :)