One Step at a Time

Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path."

I once heard someone say that God doesn't shine a spotlight ahead on life, showing us a long way forward in the dark. Instead, we have enough light to see our feet and what the next step is. Sometimes, I'm okay with this, and sometimes I'm not.

I've been realizing more and more lately that I'm a person who wants answers. I don't want to struggle with things long - I want someone to tell me the right answer. I'm not satisfied with having my own opinion; I want the right opinion. A lot of times, I don’t know what I think. I feel like I don’t know enough. I need to read the Bible more. I feel so inadequate, like I can’t explain my beliefs except through thinking about it. I don’t know what the whole picture of the Bible says.

So I just want the answers. I want someone to tell me what’s right. I don’t want to be wrong, especially in matters of faith. I don’t want to spread false news, or say something is the way it should be just because it seems best to me. I don’t feel credible enough on my own, with my own opinions.

Plus, everything is personal. I think about my own experiences. I think about how I think and feel about these words, these beliefs. These issues are not abstract discussions. They affect how I live my life. And I don’t want to be wrong. My willpower is pretty strong. I can just tell myself and others, “no" if I don't think it's the right thing to do.

So then the questions come. Should children come to the Lord’s Table? How will that cheapen or deepen the sacrament? When I struggle with whether or not God has chosen me, what do I have to cling to if I don’t think that God is the one who is active in the sacrament? Where does my choice come in?

What about immigration? What do I do about the people in my life who don't have documents? It's not an easy answer. Our book discussion group talks about the problems of the system of immigration, how we can understand feelings and opinions on both sides of the issue. I'm reading a theological journal that has lots of articles about immigration, and there are biblical arguments for different points of view.

The questions continue to haunt me. What is the right answer?

On a more personal level, what is the right answer for my future? Where am I going after Dordt in May? Well, I'm excited to share with you that I have the next step at least. The Spirit has illuminated the path ahead of my foot, there's light on my feet.

After graduation, I'll be working with my Spanish professor for another month. She invited me to live with her and work on some projects in her office. She's a darling, grandmotherly Honduran woman, and I'm looking forward to this experience. I was thinking that I'm not quite ready to leave Sioux Center, so I'm happy to have an extra month. Then, I'll go to school in either North Dakota or British Columbia, Canada for linguistics. I'll be taking an introductory SIL (Summer Institute of Linguistics) course and exploring the possibility of being a Wycliffe Bible translator.

So I have an idea about life til August. There are still lots of questions and issues to struggle with, but God is good, and I trust him. Jesus is the light of the world, and the light of my life. At least I don't have to be afraid of the dark even when I don't know where I'm going.

Metallica

So, I've never been a fan of Metallica. When they played their song in chapel on Wednesday, I couldn't even really understand the words of "Unforgiven" although I recognized the song. However, I thought that Pastor John Van Sloten had some good things to say.

Metallica's anger at injustice echoes a lot of what the Bible says about things gone wrong in the world. Amos 5:7 says that justice is gone, and that's what Metallica rages against in several of their songs. When Metallica screams that truth, they connect to us. Us who know that it's true. The world is a messed up place.

The Bible says that, too. All of us fall short, all of us have been separated from God, from goodness, from light. Our collective sinful condition creates the world we rage against, in fact. It is my slight to my roommate that is part of the larger structures of injustice and disinterest in the world.

So what do we do? The world is a broken place.

1) Keep raging. Like Metallica, just write more songs that scream about how awful it is. Have more conversations over coffee about the problems in the world. Smoke on the sidewalk and raise our voices against the systems that continue to oppress people.

...right. that sounds like it will do a lot of good.

2)Stuff it. Just suppress the anger. Entertain ourselves with chick flicks and comedies so we don't have to think about the problems of the world. Have everyone share concerned looks then move on to something else in the conversation, covering up the pain with quick, superficial swipes.

...been there, tried that, still hurts.

3)Forgive. The antidote for anger is forgiveness. This is the solution God came to. He could have hated us for our stupid ways and our rebellious attitudes. He could have tried to plaster over it and make the best of our filthy situation. But instead, he came, and he lived with us, and he forgave us. God has extended grace to us so that we can extend grace to others - even ourselves.

The good news of the Gospel is that we can be clean, we can be free from the anger and the hurt that haunt us. Like the lead singer of Metallica (Hetfield) said in an MTV interview, "At the end of the day, I'm broken inside." When we realize our hopelessness, we can turn to the source of all hope. We will learn that we are no longer outsiders, but we belong - belong to God.

And so a Wednesday morning chapel became more than about how Metallica came to church. It reminded me of the day Jesus came to my life. Days, actually.

...there's a solution I can live with, live in. The lavishness of the riches of God's glorious grace. Mmmm. :)

Gallo Pinto

Today we had a cultural fair at Dordt. Many of the international students told guests - from Dordt and the surrounding community - about countries close to their hearts. I had the privelege of standing alongside three Nicaraguans and representing the country in my heart: Nicaragua. There was a poster with information, a handheld game, and my part - gallo pinto and tortillas!

Last night we had a Nica night, and the native Nicaraguans and other friends came over to my apartment while we made gallo pinto. This process took about 5 hours from start to finish: rinse the red beans, soak the beans, cook the beans, cook the rice, fry the onions, mix in the red beans, mix in the rice. The picture above is Wendy and I making the actual gallo pinto - frying the onions, mixing in the beans, mixing in the rice.

It turned out really well, even though it was a lot of work. At the end of the fair, we still had a huge pan of gallo pinto leftover. Needless to say, I've been getting gallo pinto for breakfast this whole past week. As I finish this post a week later, we've finally finished it all. :) It was great to have this piece of Nicaragua for a while. I do miss the place, the people, the ways I became accustomed to. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy where I am right now, but I carry my Nica experience in my heart...

I'm very thankful that I can still talk to my Nica family and my friend Roberto! Mamá told me that they've made improvements to the house, and the city is putting blocks on our street so it won't be a dirt and rock strewn mess anymore! Hopefully one day I'll go back, and everything will look different. Such is the way of life, I guess.

Even though it's hard to make changes and accept that others are changing without me, I think it's good. I keep talking to God about the hard stuff - the good stuff too. In some ways, being uncomfortable drives me to be more intentional about life, and I think that's good. I'm just praying that Jesus will make it a life pleasing to him even when it's hard...