“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;
with painful labor you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you.”
We feel pain in the relationships we have, even when they are good. Questions about worth are always lingering at the edges. Why else would Christians connect with songs with lyrics like this?
"I want to be beautiful, to make you stand in awe, look inside my heart, and be amazed..." (Bethany Dillon, "Beautiful")
"Who will love me for me? Not for what I have done or what I will become..." (JJ Heller, "Love Me")
Or from one of my recent favorites by Tenth Avenue North's "You are More"
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
So it's everyone, wondering if they are worth it. Will I be good enough? What if they don't approve of me? What if they don't like me? Who am I really? What do I want to be, and who should help me decide? What if I am really too much?
People say, "Follow your heart" but I don't trust my heart. There are too many contradictions. I can even proof-text it! Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" I don't really know what I want, and my heart is often confused and scared... That advice doesn't hold much hope for me.
And yet.
I think about my favorite movies. I have four that I would be willing own, and a few more that I like a lot. Enchanted. Horton Hears a Who. Slumdog Millionaire. My Name is Khan... Hitch. As I was considering questions of worth and being loved, I thought about these movies. Why do I like them? One thing they all have in common is that they have characters who are not afraid to be themselves even if the rest of society thinks they are weird. Amy Adams's character in Enchanted sees the world as a fairy tale place. Her sweet, fun-loving spirit wins over the cynical, grumpy characters and all of Central Park bursts into song about love. Khan has Aspberger's syndrome, and he acts like himself even though he is not like everyone else - and he doesn't mind. Horton protects the tiny speck the Whos live on at personal risk, not listening to naysayers.
So what is it about these characters that I love? I want to be like them, sweet and beautiful and genuine and truly caring about other people. I want to spread sunshine with my presence. The cool thing? Sometimes I AM like them. Like last Thursday when I was biking around Sioux Center and spontaneously decided to run across a footbridge, twirl around on a merry-go-round, and scream with laughter while swinging really high in an empty park...that is right next to a three-way stop. So everyone in their cars stared at me. But I was grinning so hugely that I didn't care, and I could even believe that I was bringing something happy to their days. That's the kind of girl I want to be.
On the other hand, most of the time I don't believe that people love me. In fact, it surprises me that they seem to like me. And I'm afraid of not being liked, in some ways, too. Part of the fall - such an abstract, neat theory. Part of my life - that gets a little more personal.
Process. It takes time. And grace. One day, the flower of my heart will blossom fully. Until then, I'm budding. Color peaking around the hard shell, growing little by little. Some days, I feel loved and worthwhile and happy. Others, the questions haunt me. Yes, I know in my head, but my heart doesn't always believe. Lord, I want to believe...Help my unbelief.
"Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so..."
