Be searching the Word for answers to your questions about what God asks of His people, and sharing your observations with friends as you walk them out. (Thorpe, 2004)
God HAS been teaching me more about what he asks of me, and I think that's worth sharing. Last Sunday at the Bridge church, Pastor Dan talked about stumbling with strength. He preached on the passage that talks about us being jars of clay (2 Corinthians 4:1-12). I was struck by this passage for several reasons. First, I feel like a weak vessel. Perhaps you have noted the melancholy or nostalgia or whatever it is in my blog posts the last month. Truthfully, I have been struggling with the fact that I am in grad school, living in British Columbia. Only after my expectations haven't been met do I realize that I had expectations. These expectations were quite powerful, apparently. I thought that God would have me in some ministry by now, or working a job and being a productive member of society. I thought that I would be done with school. I also expected, I suppose, that living so far away would not be so hard. Starting over is rough! I am learning that I need to be much more intentional about building relationships and getting involved so that I like the life that I am living.
Second, 2 Corinthians 4 was important to me because it tells me that it is okay for me, a Jesus-follower, to be a mess. It is important to acknowledge our weakness and problems to others. I often struggle with how much of the truth of my life to write on my blog. I DO believe that some things should be private and not put out there for everyone on cyberspace to read. However, I also think it's important to be genuine about what is going on in my life. So I guess when big stuff is happening, I just don't write very much because I don't know what to say.
For the first time on Sunday, I heard Paul's words differently:
8We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 11For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12So death is at work in us, but life in you.
I've always imagined Paul saying this triumphantly, like an assured testimony of what God is doing. But what if those words broke him? What if they were ripped from his mouth by the pain of what he was experiencing? Picture him sobbing and saying that they are not crushed, that they are almost dead but not quite, for the sake of the gospel. Hear the horror and pain at what God is calling him to do. It's not that he is unwilling, but that he is weak. They are in the middle of the trials, and it is hard.
Sometimes I forget that it is okay to be in the middle of a hard time and let people know. I usually wait to work through it on my own, and then talk about how God led me through it afterward. What if I admit that I am having a hard time adjusting to life in British Columbia? Besides, in the big picture I know that my difficulties will pass, and they are nothing compared to what some people have to go through... But there it is, a reminder that I am a jar of clay, not meant to be put together and wow the crowd. Why? I'll tell you.
Third thing that is significant to me about this passage is that God uses our weakness. He strength is seen most clearly in my helplessness, his wisdom in my stupidity. When I feel homeless and adrift, the Lord is my comfortable place, my Home. When I think that I said all the wrong things to someone in a tough situation, the Spirit is smoothing the edges and letting that person hear just the right things. When it seems that being in grad school is not really doing anything to serve others, God sends me new people to love and befriend and serve.
This life here, this new start for me, reminds me of what it means to die to myself. I have to give up the things I thought would shape my life. Every day I have to surrender to the ambiguity, to the fact that I have no life plan except to follow the One who knows all plans. Yes, sometimes life is hard, but in the hard things, there are moments of grace. When I feel like I have no friends, Staci agrees to go to Washington with me. When I wonder whom I can serve, my church needs helpers for handing out candy on Halloween. When I see working soccer games as an opportunity to make some money and nothing more, a friendly, talkative Muslim is one of my coworkers that I see around campus a lot. Sometimes, these developments just take time. I'm learning to be okay with that waiting period (Lord knows I've done enough of it lately!). Just as the leaves show the transition from summer to winter (and we all hope fall takes some time), so there are good and bad parts of the waiting times in my life. No, I'm not always good, but God is, and I can rest in His joy even when it seems to take a long time in coming.
