Upon Arrival

There's so many white people,
And they're all so big.
The smile breaks unbidden
At my inner dialogue
And my own surprised reactions.
I am a child in wonder
And it makes me feel vulnerable
To have that joyful marveling
Etched on my face,
But I can't help it;
I'm going home.
I picture my mother's welcoming smile
And the scratch of my father's beard on the top
Of my head when they give me a hug.

At the Hilton I look up and see the lights from the rooms
Where people have decided not to
Block out the world with the blackout curtains
And I smile at the bravery of their lives.
I leave my baggage unattended in the airport
 - rebel that I am-
And don't feel my heart beat fast
Worried that someone will rob me.
Who is around to rob me?

I walk back and forth
Across the crosswalk,
Delighted by the way traffic stops and the traffic
Guards tell me to wait or go.
Gone for now are the chaotic crossings,
One lane at a time
While trucks roar past and cars
Honk their horns.
The city is glass and height
And brisk bright lights
That illuminate the puff of fog
Breath makes in the cold.
My hands get numb and
I marvel at forgotten sensation.

It's a whole new world
This place called home.
So familiar and yet so foreign.
It awakes the traveler in me,
And I stare out the window as the bus 

Takes me closer to the bed 

That is mine.

Migrating North

I realize that I am very behind in updates about life, but let me catch you up a bit. Since my wonderfully refreshing and eye-opening, reflective vacation in Guatemala the first week of April, I have been working on several projects. The various details and arrangements for a couple of major events have kept me busy without wearing me out too much.

I found a huge chair in Antigua, Guatemala and sat for a while

First, there is a group of 4 people coming at the end of May to learn and envision how their church can be involved with the Nehemiah Center long-term. The career missionary of Christian Reformed World Missions is on home service, so I am the person in charge of this team. Since it is so small, I am doing basically all the preparation, execution, and follow-up for this trip. I started sketching out the preliminary plans a couple of weeks ago, and I'm in the process of confirming details and budget proposals now. The team will arrive in Nicaragua May 21, so I have some time yet.

Preparing new materials to hand out to clubs at the IMPACT event on Saturday, April 25. Each club received a new set of markers, pens, lessons, and soccer balls 

Second, my colleague Roberto and I planned and carried out the first national IMPACT conference for all the youth and leaders involved in the clubs. We have six clubs in Nicaragua, but only four showed up with their youth members. We still had about 45 people, and we enjoyed a day of games, reflections, recreation, and t-shirt decorating contests.

The IMPACT clubs designed their own t-shirts and explained the message and significance of their design. This group won based on creativity, club participation/cooperation, and message of the theme.

Third, I was planning a short trip to the US. I had a flight voucher that I wanted to use before it expired May 12. I have been working as an ambassador between 5 Nicaraguan churches in Chinandega and 1 main church in Pella, Iowa. When the Pella team visited in January, the idea of me visiting their church came up, and it seemed good to all of us. Turns out this coming weekend is Pella's famous Tulip Time festival, and I will be participating in raising funds for Nicaragua at the food booth, taking lots of pictures and videos of the celebration, and presenting in church on Sunday.

The Pella church has a reputation in Chinandega for being gardeners (Tulip Time and Garden Tours that they have talked about) so at their last visit one project was to transplant some of the flowers around one church!

Since I was already going to be in the US, I am also taking some time to visit other churches, spend time with family, and go to all the routine appointments like the optometrist, dentist, chiropractor, etc. The trip was good timing for me because I needed to renew my driver's license, and I was able to do that in person.

Speaking in my home and sending church this past Sunday morning (notice the sweater!)

Though I can't be gone for very long at this time (things are happening with IMPACT clubs and church partnerships, plus this team that I'm in charge of), it's nice to escape the León heat for now. We are waiting for the rain to come, and the weather feels like it. It is very hot and humid, with temperatures generally sitting at 105 during the day and cooling to 90 at night with 70% humidity. Everyone was suffering. Hopefully by the time I go back the rains will have started and the climate will be more bearable. Until then, I'm enjoying my sweaters and vests and socks!

Working in the pool in the heat just to try to stay productive on all these arrangements I had to make!

Compelled to rest

Praise the Lord for vacations.

I have become dangerously tired. I'm realizing this little by little. In the past month, I have had very few days off, and on the days that I have not needed to work, I still feel compelled to do so. In the midst of my exhaustion, there have been moments of rest, but nothing that rejuvenates enough. So I booked a flight to Guatemala the week after Holy Week so I would be forced to take some time off. As some of my initial plans fell through the cracks, I realized that this would be a good time for some solitude and silence with the Lord. A retreat, of sorts, but not one with conferences and self-help books. A time of rooting myself in the story of the Good News again. 

As I have been reading a few books to guide me through this journey, I have been amazed at how well they describe my current state. I have been feeling out of control, Knowing that the exhaustion I feel is something that has been accompanying me for a long time, I have simply pushed it aside and kept going by sheer willpower. But that is dangerous. It has brought me to a place where I can't care anymore. In Invitation to Solitude and Silence by Ruth Haley Barton, she describes this state as "dangerously tired." It is a chronic inner fatigue that has accumulated over months for me. I can think back to the last time I felt truly rested, and it was at least three months ago. Christmas vacation should have been a time of rest and recuperation, but because of some work demands, a toe infection, and the desire to see a lot of people, it wasn't a break really. Barton says that this chronic fatigue manifests itself sometimes as feeling "out of control, compelled to constant activity by inner impulses that we may not be aware of. For some reason we can't quite name, we're not able to linger and relax over a cup of coffee. We can't keep from checking voicemail or email 'just one more time' before we go to bed at night...The idea of taking a full day off once a week seems impossible both in theory and practice." 

I grew up with the idea of a Sabbath. We didn't do any homework on Sundays, and that day off has been something I have cherished. However, living in Nicaragua it has been trickier. A good portion of my work is networking. Sundays are a day of rest sometimes, but they are also a good opportunity to visit other churches, see people in León, or communicate with friends and family back home. In some ways that is restful, and in some ways it is more of the same activity that fills the six days of the week. Therefore, I have lost the idea of how to rest well. 

I went to a retreat for the staff of CRC in North America last week, and we focused on identifying, telling, and listening to our stories. For one exercise, we had to identify with a Bible story. The first one that popped into my head was Elijah in 1 Kings 19. He had just defeated the prophets of Baal, prayed for rain to return after 3 years, and heard from Jezebel that she planned to kill him. On the run, he collapses from exhaustion under a broom tree. An angel feeds him and lets him sleep, and then after he rests, Elijah journeys to Mount Horeb where he encounters God not in the earthquake, the windstorm, or the fire, but in the silence with a still, small whisper. This story spoke to me where I was. I know I am exhausted, and desperate to hear from God in the solitude and silence of his presence. Providentially, this is the same story that the book I'm reading uses as a guide for teaching about how to enter into solitude and silence. I want to be rested, refreshed, free of compulsion to please others and myself, willing to care and feel again...

God knew what he was doing when he arranged this trip for me. I have been balking at it, feeling selfish for going on a vacation. There is too much work to do to take out a week of time. People will judge me, thinking I should have used the week off during Holy Week to rest (I was at a regional CRC retreat and then planning and participating in an IMPACT club camp for my group in Nuevo Horizonte). I've only been working as a partner missionary for three months - what is there to be tired from? But as I notice and acknowledge where I am, I'm learning (struggling, really) to let go of my own self-recrimination. I'm releasing the need for others' approval. I'm remembering the joy and love that flowed from my time in Taizé when I spent time alone with God. And I'm thankful for this opportunity to rest and become rooted in God's story again.At this end of this week, I hope to know in the center of my being who I am in God, and feel passionate about the Good News again.

IMPACT in Honduras

Several times I have mentioned IMPACT clubs. They are a major part of what I do. If I'm not in meetings or writing emails about the overall program structure or trying to figure out funding with other people, then I'm thinking about what we can do to strengthen our program here in Nicaragua, or I'm heading off to my club on Monday nights and trying to plan for what we'll talk about. What is IMPACT, you ask? Well, to make a long story short it is a program that was birthed in Romania and has made its way to Latin America with a focus on experiential learning through games and stories, and an emphasis on community service-learning projects for youth from 8-25 years old. Generally a club is 10-20 youth within the same 6 year age range. They meet weekly, bi-weekly or monthly, and they are a place for children and young people to be heard.

IMPACT clubs are a place for kids to learn but also for them to speak

Exactly a year ago, we received two wonderful young women from Romania to train a group of 30 people (some foreigners, the majority Nicaraguans) how to be mentors for IMPACT clubs. They taught us about the methodology of the clubs, the reasons the program was founded in Romania, how to play the games and engage the youth in reflecting about the games and themes in each lesson. It was a very full week, but we learned enough to get started. Nearly all of the communities involved in the Nehemiah Center's community development program started an IMPACT club. Some of the trained leaders started clubs in their churches or their own neighborhoods as well. To date, we have 6 clubs in Nicaragua.

Receiving IMPACT training last March

However, a year is a long time. And after Christmas break (some even before Christmas) the clubs have been faltering. Youth don't want to come anymore. Leaders are finding it difficult to put together their own lessons. We have lost our way a bit.

My IMPACT club from Nuevo Horizonte neighborhood at the end of August. Only one guy and the leaders are still coming every week

So I went to Honduras to see their program. You see, Romania's program arrived on Honduran soil about 6 years ago, and IMPACT has really taken off there. They have contextualized it and tweaked it and built a whole extensive program around it, but they still have clubs. In Honduras they focus exclusively on children from 10-15 years old at extreme risk for poverty, gangs, drugs, etc.

Acting out the story of the Good Samaritan from Luke 10

These clubs meet in community centers, in schools or churches, or even in the street. They pray, talk about the week, play a game, listen to a story, learn about a theme, hear a related Bible story, make a commitment to do something in the following week, and then have half an hour of time to play sports - usually soccer. They also get a snack somewhere at the end of the lesson.

Playing soccer at the end of the lesson - this club has the perk of being held in a recreation center

For me as an IMPACT mentor, it was great to see other leaders doing a lesson and also to see that just because kids don't seem focused or quiet or interested does not mean that they are not getting something. The most encouraging part of the visit was to know that I am not alone in my struggles with this program, and there are other people who have gone through similar experiences. Talking with other mentors renewed my determination to stick with this program, and they gave me good ideas for ways to engage the youth more.

One of the IMPACT mentors I met was giving the lesson

As a coordinator for the program, I also come away with next steps and areas to focus on. Hopefully in the future our program in Nicaragua can figure out how to blend the two approaches to IMPACT clubs together. There are all sorts of possibilities for the future. I'm just praying that the Lord will give me wisdom in how to guide the process forward, whom to include in the conversations, and His vision for the youth that we work with in the IMPACT clubs.

An IMPACT club in Honduras where the kids said their favorite part is learning about values 

Power of Pants

Never underestimate the power of a comfy pair of pants.

Like a good pair of jeans. You know the ones. They might be brand new, or well-worn, but I can assure you that you won't give them up until you're forced to because they absolutely don't fit at all anymore or they are shredding themselves into larger and larger holes. They are the jeans that you put on after a long day in slacks, or when you finally get to peel off the grubby work clothes. Those jeans that make you strut around like the best-looking person in the world even while you slum around on the couch. Those jeans.

They turn a bad day good. A tense body relaxes. The belt marks on the belly go away as you finally get freedom.You let your hair down, be yourself, enjoy yourself. Never underestimate the power of a good pair of jeans.

Or, those crazy hippy pants that have become popular. That material that caresses the skin and looks like pajamas but has somehow become acceptable in public. You can wear them slouchy or skinny. Pulled up under the knees or down by the ankles. Pants that are like a comfy hug. Regardless of how you feel about that style, the material on your legs is fantastic.

Of course, you can also wrap yourself in a cozy blanket. But here in León, Nicaragua, it's too warm for that. So pants it is.

Never underestimate the power of the pants. They can change your world.

P.S. If you were expecting rant about gender, that could work too. But tonight it's just about pants. that are comfortable.

#Thankyoutoday

During this time of Lent, it's easy to focus on giving up things. But what about giving away things? Isn't that really the point of Lent? Pope Francis has urged people to fast from indifference as we turn our hearts toward Christ's passion. Last year I was made aware of a group in the UK called Stewardship, and during Lent they encourage acts of generosity. In fact, I even already blogged about this idea ...here... This year again I'm receiving their daily email challenges to do an act of generosity each day of Lent.

My prayer for this forty days is: "teach me to live with open hands." This has been my prayer longer than this Lent period, but it is still relevant. When I think of living with open hands, I think of sharing freely. Letting go of my phone, my broom, my computer, my task list and being able to take someone else by the hand. If I open my hands, I let go of control, recognizing that I'm not in charge anyways. The idea of open hands teaches me to be less territorial, less driven, less tense. I doubt I'll learn the lesson before April 6. But it's still my prayer.

Open hands are also a gesture of receiving. When I open my palm, someone else can put something into it... a hand, a gift, a job, a kiss. And we all need to receive these good things. Thankfulness is one way that we can live openly. When we say thank you to someone else, we are recognizing them. We are opening ourselves up to them. We are acknowledging that we received something from them.

Dot Tyler, the writer for today's act of generosity, says:

We live in a world where it is all too easy to be overwhelmed by difficulties, our personal challenges or the news of a world that is broken and crying out for help. Thankfulness instils in us a gratitude for what we do have. The more we practise an attitude of gratitude, the more I think God inspires us to be generous and live for hope, choosing to defy the odds and believe that a better tomorrow is possible.
Today is not just another day; today is an opportunity to invest in thankfulness and be seekers of hope and positivity. With this in mind, let’s join together and…

And thank someone! Most importantly, God. Because all good gifts come from him. But thanking the Lord and neglecting the people around us is not enough. So today, a few of the things and people I am thankful for:

- I thank God for my family because they have raised me to seek Jesus in every part of my life, and they support me in whatever I feel like God is asking me to do. I can talk with them, cry with them, pray with them. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for modeling what it means to seek the Lord's will in your lives: work, play, family, church, everything. Thank you, Dirk, for being a brother who both annoys and supports. Without you, I don't know who I would fight with on lousy days or laugh with on good days. Thank you for being people I admire.

 - I thank God for my housemate, Kelsey. Even when her dumb cat wakes me up in the middle of the night or trips me trying to get attention. Kelsey, thanks for being someone I can rant to, bother, watch shows and movies with, confide in, and be there for.

- I'm thankful for the partnerships that I get to be a part of. Every visit with pastoral couples here in León or Chinandega, the week-long visits from people who live in Pella or Hamilton, the emails that fly between them when they are not together. I'm thankful that I get to see their enthusiasm, their joy, their struggles, and their desire to serve the Lord in their cities as well as collaborate across international borders. Thank you for being people who inspire me.

- I'm also thankful for the practice of fasting. The León pastors explained the Nicaraguan practice of fasting from food to me and how it's a scheduled, specific time of drawing apart here. They recommended it as the most effective spiritual discipline because it reminds us to depend on God. They encouraged me to try it even though I don't have much experience with fasting. I've read about and tried fasting before, but I never really know how to do it. However, with their encouragement, I'm exploring what it means to give up physical food and focus on the spiritual sustenance that the Holy Spirit can provide. I am thankful for this spiritual discipline, and for grace in knowing that change comes step by step.

When I take time to feed on the Word, pray with others, and dedicate time with God, I can be more generous and live with open hands because I know the One who is really in control. When I take time to thank God and others for their influence and involvement in my life, it gives life to them and to me. Thankfulness is an act of generosity with ourselves and others. Let's be catalysts of generosity today through our thankful attitudes.

Seasonal work

While some people are shivering in the cold North and envying the eternal heat of Nicaragua, they are also thanking the Lord that they come from a climate with four seasons.

Well, I'll tell you that people who say that Nicaragua does not experience seasons are propagating a myth. We have seasons, I tell you! There's the rainy season that starts around May, then the mid-winter sunshine that gives your clothes a chance to actually dry on the line in mid-July. Rain starts up again in August, but by now everything is bursting with color, flowers, mud, etc. At least the streets aren't flowing with the garbage build up of several months anymore. Around November, the rain stops coming every day, and in December and January the nights can get downright chilly. I'm talking hoodie weather if you have fully acclimatized! Then February comes with wind and heat, and you think that maybe you were Shadrach in a former life because it sure feels like a furnace, and the convection oven steam kicks in hotter and hotter through March and April until the rains come again in May. See? We definitely have seasons. Granted, the temperatures still range between 75-95 C all the time, but we will take what we get. 

In the midst of the cool nights turning to burning furnace weather comes another special season for the Nehemiah Center... TEAMS. They start arriving in January and don't let up until the end of March. Thankfully, I'm not involved in every team like some of my coworkers. I just deal with partnership teams, meaning we have some kind of relationship between North America and Nicaragua all year round, not just a yearly visit. 

Though teams are great fodder for blog material, they leave me so busy or exhausted that I don't have time or energy to write. Instead I hear the comments about whether or not I have left the country, been ill, or possibly even died. Well, that's what happens when I disappear for 10 days at a time with a group of strangers to take care of their details, translate, and help bridge gaps between the home and visiting teams. In the end, though, we're all players. (I wanted to say basketball, but that's just because I'm from Indiana. You can think of any sport you like.) 

Thankfully, I have fulfilled my team duties for the next month or so... I just have to prepare for one coming in March. They are another partnership team (really, those are the only teams I deal with if I can help it), and they were the first team I met last year when I came to Nicaragua. This is a partnership with churches in León, so I get to be on my home turf when they come.

Besides preparing for the next team, I've been sorting out visa issues, catching up on meetings and paperwork, and attending meetings. A lot of meetings have come up because I'm the main note-taker for the long-term strategic planning committee that is meeting now to determine the Nehemiah Center's direction for the next 5 years. We are also trying to get a hold of IMPACT club direction again. Some are struggling after the Christmas break (if they weren't struggling before!). So there are some projects which are consistent, but most of them have come upon me all at once. Oh well, when it rains, it pours. I guess I'll have to go find my umbrella or a good book to deal with the rainy days. Figuratively speaking, since it's quite dry and sunny here for the season. :)