Last Official Day

Today, December 12, 2014, is officially my last day in the Cohort of Missioners. Guissell and I told Roberto we would not being doing any more work for him as Caminantes after 12 pm today.

Guissell and I this past week at her birthday party with our Nica friends

This past week, we have engaged in evaluations of the program, our work, personal reflections, and goodbye parties. It has been a time of critique, thanksgiving, surrendering, and celebrating. I'm thankful for my year in Nicaragua as a Caminante. There were ups and downs, struggles and victories, things to learn and things to teach... Thinking about life here when I entered the year and what it is now, there have been a lot of changes. I have forgotten some of my original ideals, but I have also grown in many ways.

The Caminantes: Adrianna, Mark, Guissell

I learned a lot. Originally I thought this would be an opportunity to learn more about how to BE than about what to DO. During the course of the year, I think I lost that focus. Nonetheless, being a Caminante has shaped who I am. It has taught me how to be and how not to be as well as giving me an answer for what to do.

Creative expression during a quiet time on our trip to Guatemala

I'm glad that I got a chance to return to Nicaragua. It was a dream come true, and I did not expect God to give me an answer to my prayers in a such a full way when I dredged up a goal for myself two years ago and "return to Nicaragua" surfaced. I have learned so much about myself, about working overseas, about Central America...

A mural imitating the Last Supper with the faces of martyrs in El Salvador at a Christian Base Community

Working in community development and church partnerships, I got to see a lot of different communities and learn a lot of ways people are trying to change their neighborhoods. For example, you see a lot of garbage in the streets of Nicaragua because people throw it wherever they want, and so others in the communities organize cleaning brigades. Developed, organized neighborhoods are often cleaner.

El Ojoche, a model community now for development strategies, has monthly cleaning days

I really like Nicaraguan food, especially gallo pinto, which is rice and beans stir-fried together, with a hot, fresh corn tortilla and salty white cheese. You can find this simple, filling meal in all sorts of street eateries and in most common houses. People walk up and down the streets, calling out that they are selling tortillas, vegetables, cooked beans, cheese, or whatever else. It's a game to understand what they are saying. Each vendor has a unique call.

Typical meal with gallo pinto and a taco with cabbage salad

When I leave Nicaragua, I will miss how simple it is to leave my house, get something to nibble, and sit in Central Park to watch the people go by. I enjoy my city of León, but I also like traveling to other parts of Nicaragua. It's really hot in León so I would often go three hours south to Diriamba to spend weekends with friends or my aunt and uncle on the farm. It is cooler in Diriamba, and there is more wind.

My friend, Marg, and I in Diriamba sharing our birthdays with Baked Alaska cake

As part of the Cohort of Missioners (Caminantes), I made some really good friends, especially my housemates, Guissell and Kelsey. Guissell and I had a connection from the beginning of my time in Nicaragua, and we were fellow Caminantes. Together we got to travel to Guatemala and El Salvador to see the context of other Cohort groups. We also worked on recommendations and policies for the future - along with Mark, the first participant in Nicaragua. As a special goodbye trip, Guissell and I got to go to Corn Island, off the coast of Nicaragua in the Caribbean Sea.

Kelsey, Adrianna, and Guissell on a roommate date

My favorite part of service in Nicaragua was working with pastors of different denominations and seeing them work together. I got to see this a little with ETU because there are leaders from various churches who work in neighborhoods with local leaders, but I saw it most clearly in church partnerships. Three pastoral couples in León started meeting regularly to share and pray for each other because they realized their partnership was not only with a church in Canada, but also with each other. Five churches in Chinandega planned activities together for their sister-church's visit from the US. My favorite moments come when they are talking and laughing together, being themselves with each other, before the Lord.

The pastors in León hanging out after a meeting together

How has Nicaragua been? Unforgettable. Life-shaping. An answer to prayer. A lesson I will continue to learn...

Rare gifts of Non-Sight

When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden before the fall of humanity, they enjoyed full fellowship with each other, God, and the creation. They were not torn apart by petty arguments, jealousies, or fears. They walked with God. They worked contentedly in the garden. They were naked and they were not ashamed.

The tree that is in my own garden

But when they decided they knew more than God and wanted to do things their way, things changed.

At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. (Genesis 3:7 New Living Translation)

Just before this moment, they were sharing things. Eve gave the forbidden fruit to Adam. They were open. Suddenly, they saw things differently, and they needed to cover themselves. Barriers, masks, evasion tactics.

Lobster crates waiting to work on Corn Island

Then God shows up, looking for them. First they hide, then they blame. More actions that alienate, that send others away, that break relationships. And they have to suffer the consequences. God tells them they will struggle in their work, in their families, in their relation to the creation, and they have to leave the place of his presence. They have chosen to go it alone, to distrust in a relationship of openness, to see things as good and evil.

Christmas decorations on Corn Island

We have continued to suffer the consequences ever since. Brokenness in the world results from our broken relationships. We are not at peace with each other, with God, with ourselves, or with the creation.


However, the Kingdom of God is coming, and is already here but not yet fully here. Sometimes we get glimpses of restored goodness. There are weddings and lifelong commitments to choose one person and say no to all the other options. There are towns where people plant trees and pick up garbage and walk instead of driving cars. There are people who have chosen to surrender to God and open the present of life he has for them. There are sinners who have chosen to forgive themselves, victims who choose to love their enemies, perpetrators who have repented. Restoration. Reconciliation. New perspectives.

Sometimes, as a signal of the Kingdom, God has given me the rare gift of non-sight. A connection with other people where I experience what unconditional love feels like. Thankfully, wonderfully, this has been happening more often as I get older. I share a connection with certain people that makes no sense. I hardly know them, and I love them. I have no basis for trust, yet I raise no barriers. Even after I know them, I accept them as they are without judgment or masks.

The Gigantonas wear a lot of masks and barriers as kids dance under the covering

I call it non-sight because 1) it would be awkward to call it "nakedness" and 2) I think of it as the gift of not seeing what's on the surface. I'm not thinking about the other people's experiences, their clothes, their personality. I'm just enjoying their essence. Bear with me. I'm not trying to be New Age, but I think this has a biblical basis considering the account of the fall. They were naked and unashamed, in fellowship. God lets us love others unconditionally when we stop hanging onto all the little things and appreciate them for who they are. The book the Shack, if I remember correctly, portrays people in heaven as blazes of light who exude joy, and they are familiar to us. That's the sort of connection God gifts me sometimes.

Connections with friends on our Cohort goodbye trip, left to right: Guissell and Kelsey, Adrianna and Dirk front

I have received this gift of connection twice in the past year. As I have been reflecting on my time in the Cohort of Missioners, I have been in awe of the way I entered this program. I came in January, joining a group of people that had been formed since September. I immediately loved them, connected with them, talked with them about the depths of my heart and how our experiences were affecting us. Guissell and I have talked about the mystery of our friendship. She usually takes a long time to warm up to people, and we were friends right away without awkwardness or evasion. With Mark, the other participant who has already left the program, I prayed and talked and laughed within the first month. The Tans were our guides, always available with open arms to give us what we needed. Relationships without barriers or distrust or evasion.

Recently, on the trip Cohort trip to El Salvador, I received the gift again. Despite the heartache and despair I witnessed and experienced, I also got to sit back and watch a group of 10 people interact. Some of them I knew very well, some I had met before, and some where complete strangers. However, I caught myself many times just grinning silly watching them talk, joke, lament (okay, I wasn't grinning while we lamented - but I still appreciated it) because I really enjoyed them. And I hardly knew them!

God must feel the same way about us - just enjoying us being us. And we are known very well by Jesus. I think this is why these gifts of unconditional love for others are precious but rare. We rarely take off our masks, leave down our barriers, enjoy others as they are. More often, we nitpick about their personality traits, analyze their words and actions for ulterior motives, balance them on the scales of worthiness. When we get the opportunity to accept, enjoy, and love them no matter what, that is a sign of full relationship, like in the Garden of Eden. Unconditional love is what lets us continue to enjoy them even after we get to know them better. I hope God continues to give me eyes to see what he sees, not seeing all the things I normally do but enjoying the blaze of light that is another person.

Guissell, Kelsey, Adrianna, and Dirk enjoying ourselves on our trip together

Simple escapes

This week, we begin the goodbye process as the Caminantes in Nicaragua. Guissell and I are finishing our time here. Last projects are being completed, policies have been revised and proofread, new participants may be on their way. Today we get the chance to look back on the year (year and a half for Guissell) to talk about the good and the bad.

Then, as a special treat, we get a goodbye trip. I haven't really told very many people where we are going. It is unusual for me not to divulge lots of details about my plans, but for some reason, I have not been telling everyone I am going to Corn Island on the east coast of Nicaragua. I don't want them to jump to conclusions or think I am living in an excess of luxury. Corn Island is a place that is not accessible to everyone. That's why Guissell chose it as our destination - she probably won't have another opportunity to go there outside of the program.

I am really excited. I have heard good things about the island, and many people have recommended the trip to me. It will be good to have a retreat time where we can reflect on the year, enjoy the beach, and relax. We have been reading about the island, planning. We have two special guests accompanying us (our other housemate and my brother), and we are looking forward to hanging out together to enjoy the beach, snorkeling, a new part of the world, and time to relax.

But like I said, part of me doesn't want to tell anyone. I think this is related to my trip to El Salvador and my questions about how I live simply as a person of privilege. Guilt, questions, healthy reflection. I think I'm going through a mix of all of it.

Then this morning in my devotions, I read a chapter in Richard Foster's book, Celebration of Discipline about simplicity. The heart of simplicity is to seek FIRST the kingdom of God. Salvation does not come from things, nor the lack of things. Simplicity is an attitude that receives things as a gift, expects things to be cared for by God, and makes them available to others (Foster, "Simplicity" p. 88). Emphasizing the need to seek the Kingdom FIRST, not the myriad of justice issues that plague us, he quotes Kierkegaard:

Then in  a certain sense it is nothing I shall do. yes, certainly, in a certain sense it is nothing, become nothing before God, learn to keep silent; in this silence is the beginning, which is, first to seek God's Kingdom.

Thinking about an island getaway, it seems to me that I can look at it in this simple way. My first job is not to fix the wealth problems of the world, to feel guilty for the sins of my ancestors as well as my present generation, or to justify every choice I make. Seek the Kingdom FIRST.

I can receive a good gift like a trip to Corn Island as a lavish outpouring of God's love. It does not come from me. I do not deserve it. But God has chosen to bless me with it. My attitude matters more not in what I do or where I go, but how I receive these gifts and whether or not I am willing to seek God's kingdom FIRST in all things. So I am trying to change my attitude. I hope this trip for reflection and celebration will teach me even more how to become nothing before God, and in the silence, to seek his kingdom first.