Downcast Soul

It's been quite a long time since my last post! Perhaps you were thinking that I was going to be like any other blogger who starts to write about something then lets it die. Nope. And it's not that my life hasn't had a lot going on in it lately, either. I could have written about plenty.

I could have written about going to my undergrad in Iowa and presenting at Dordt's annual "Hug a Linguist" seminars. I could have talked about what a great trip it was but how it reminded me that I need to prepare different sorts of messages for different audiences (I think my presentations were a little too academically weighty for most of the undergrads). I was also thankful that Sioux Center doesn't make me wish I had chosen differently. I'm pretty content with life in BC because I believe that's where God asked me to go.

I could have written about all my fun times with friends over the past semester. We celebrated American Thanksgiving in style with cinnamon buns for breakfast, birthday celebrations at lunch, and a huge potluck at school in the evening. I've watched movies, sat in hot tubs, gone to the US, gone shopping, etc.

I could have written about my massive assignments. I took over the library with my 17 pieces of discourse chart spread out along a wall and wrote a paper in two days (not something I was particularly proud of, but it happened). I read a biblical passage in Greek in order to look for key words in a paper on the interpretation of Acts 17. Lots of other things, but Christmas break has muddled my mind as to academics last year. I could have written about all the things I learned.

But I lacked the heart. Perhaps for the past few months I've stopped seeing life as part of an adventure and more like something to get through. Now you may be thinking, oh great. Here comes the "I've had a rough time but I've come through on the other side" blog. Nope. If you're anything like me, you can stop that internal rant about people just talking about their struggles when they're past them. I'm not doing that. I'm just finally ready to talk about my struggles a little bit. I'm still in the midst of them.

In fact, I was able to articulate what's been going on for me just a few weeks ago when I was home with my parents over Christmas break. I told them I felt afraid and alone and lost. Just naming the looming fears inside me helped a lot.

And now it's been months since Christmas, and I still haven't put out this blog. Probably because I'm still working through so much. The struggle feels distant because I've chosen to put my questions and hauntings on the back burner. I need to get through school right now. I'm not afraid anymore, and I usually don't feel too alone. But I do feel lost and broken.

I suspect that God wants me in ministry long-term, but I can't minister from the state I'm in right now. I need to take time to figure out the basics and connect to God on a heart level. I know the right answers, but it's not good enough. I want to feel deeply convicted about who Jesus is to me and what difference God makes in my life. Beyond culture or comfort, I want the Gospel to be alive to me so that I can testify about the Kingdom of God in truth. I'll explain more later, but now I feel like this post needs to stop sitting in my drafts.
Pray for me. Some days are filled with light and life, and some days are a desolate wasteland. I'm not really sure why, and I can't predict my moods. I will choose, though, to put my hope in the Lord. I will not let him go until he blesses me. And I will count those blessings every time I start to slip into despondency.

Thanksgiving Canada style

I can't believe a month of school has already gone by! Time seems like it has gone very quickly, and yet not. It also seems like it's gone very slowly. Anyways...this weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving.

You'd think it wouldn't matter to me since I'm American. It's not really my holiday, the Canadians think. I say that I have enough things to be thankful for that I can have two official holidays to celebrate it all. Before I tell you the things I'm thankful for, let me ruminate on the holiday of thanksgiving. First off, like I said, I have lots to be thankful for.

Secondly, I don't really feel like holidays are important for their dates, but I do think they're important for what they represent. On one hand, I don't feel like any holidays are really important because I drift around. I haven't been in the States for American thanksgiving for the past three years, so it doesn't really bother me to miss it. On the other hand, any national holiday that celebrates family and friends and belonging in community makes me feel that drifting more keenly. It doesn't matter if it's "my" national holiday or any other, but sometimes a holiday makes me feel alone. I think I'll be fine, that I will enjoy introverted time, and then when the day comes, I feel alone. I guess I should learn to know myself better and schedule accordingly.

However, the lonely days drive me to my real Home, my Father God. And once I get over my lack of family nearby, I really enjoy my alone time. Today, I baked cookies, bread, and my first attempt at granola. I feel quite accomplished. Plus, I've been getting to eat some good leftovers from my housemate's delish cooking.
In addition to these things, I'm thankful for:

Plans tomorrow: bike ride in the morning, dinner with friends in the evening, movie at night.
Friends: here in BC, Dordt friends, people I grew up with. They're all important to me, and they enrich my life!
Family: my dad, mom, and brother. Also extended family, like grandparents, great-aunts and uncles, aunts and uncles, cousins, and all the others. I'm thankful for visits to and from them, and for a diverse group of people to teach me more about God's love.
In with family are the people who aren't family by blood but they may as well be. My big brother Edo and all connected to him, the exchange student we had from Germany, my Nicaraguan host family, and the Fluits who have taken me in here in BC. These are people who brighten my day and fill me with happiness.
Food: I love pretty much all kinds, and I never have worried about having enough. Thank you, Jesus.
Lovely scenery: Lately the weather in BC has been great, and I drink in the sights and smells with joy
School: I get to learn stuff I've been waiting to learn half my life! And I like what I'm studying, and the people I'm learning with
Work: I get paid to interact with students as well as work at sports events (free men's volleyball games, woot!)

I could go on and on, but these are some of them for now. More will be given in November, my next go at a holiday just for saying thank you.

Working Woman

I'm so thankful for a job when I go home.

School let out for the summer on August 11, and after road-tripping with some friends for a week, I wandered to Indiana by August 20. Then I started working for Treasure Homes construction, and the Oudman family. It was great. What other job is so flexible, pays well, and allows you to hang out with your parents (esp., in my case, Dad) all day? I think it's a sweet deal. I get to work off some of the desk pudge I accumulate during school terms, and my mind stops feeling frayed and mushy. All in all, it's a great set-up, and I'm very thankful to my employers for the opportunity to work hard.

Over the past two weeks, I spent 110 hours cleaning the house, framing, building a deck, installing cabinets, and doing sundry tasks. It was very good. Plus, deciding what to wear each day was a lot less of a hassle than it usually is.

Rocking the carpenter jeans, standing by the work van with my trusty tape measure. The bandage on my arm was from giving blood, not a work wound. I still have all my fingers and toes, in case you were wondering.

Indiana is HOT! As in, over 70% humidity and 85-90+ degrees F, so you gotta find shade where it's available. This day it happened to be in the shadow of a port-o-pot where I ate my granola bar mid-morning.

Roller Coasters

These past couple of weeks have been rough, let me tell you. A big bang of a start to the year 24 for me, that's for sure.

First off, school has been crazy. Maybe I'm just getting soft, but the three classes I'm taking this summer have kept me hopping. I think Scripture Use is the culprit. Principles of Translation and Galatians have regular assignments, but they are manageable. It's Scripture Use that has major projects regularly. Don't get me wrong, I love them. They are opportunities to do some homework that affects real people. The first project was revising a Bible study that might be useful for people in Ghana. Next, we commissioned a local artist/expert to do something (c.f. A Commissioning). We presented it in chapel, and maybe we will in church. People at CanIL have asked me to do it again - for other chapels in the fall and a class for semantic domains (how words connect to other words by their definitions). What I felt discouraged and scared about, God has used to affect other people. Third, we're supposed to do a recording. That's coming this week, and I'm thinking about recording something that can be used to meditate on John 15, especially for North American commuters. In addition to these projects and the daily assignments, there's the term paper: An analysis of the Scripture use in a situation. A real life situation. So I've been skyping with a missionary regularly, talking about the ways that God is working - the discouragements, the joys, the dreams... It's intimidating, this work that can affect people's lives. It's draining. It takes a lot of extra time because it's more creative, and I can't just make up an answer to make the professor happy. It's also life-giving despite it's strain. 

Speaking of strains, there have been relationship strains too. Last week a couple of my best friends at CanIL and I had some good talks. Hard talks. The kind of talks where you end up baring your souls to each other, confessing the ways you've sinned against them, crying, and hugging... It's been a sackcloth and ashes experience. I've had to acknowledge my own black heart, and ask for forgiveness when I didn't feel like I deserved it. I had to face how I've hurt people. This happens now and again, but it's brutal when it does. And things aren't all better just because we've reconciled. I still have to deal with my own emotions, with the "what's next" questions because I don't know how to be friends the same way, with my own instincts to crawl into my shell and put up walls. I'm in awe of how God loves us. I am amazed by forgiveness and reconciliation because they show that even though people are broken, the Spirit is working in us to fix things again. 

So it's been hard in several ways. These are the main ways - school and friends - and all I have time and energy to write about. I guess I just wanted to share how God has been working with me this summer. The sun is shining, and it's a beautiful Sunday. May you be blessed beyond your wildest dreams.

A Commissioning

       This summer I'm in a class called Scripture Use. It's all about principles for getting people to engage with God's Word in their lives. We talk about theoretical principles but also practical activities. One of our major projects is to commission an artist to create something artistic revolving around Scripture.
       Praise the Lord! I met with Deb today, and we walked around Fort Langley with Aria, talking about ideas for something to do with the Lord’s Prayer. The Bridge Community Church, where we attend, is doing a series on the Lord’s Prayer, so we wanted to have the double audience of CanIL chapel and the Bridge.
            Deb is a drama teacher at a local high school. Her husband Brad has done many artistic things at church as well. I thought of them for this work because they are heavily involved at church, and they have artistic gifts that are often overlooked in worship settings. I had hoped Deb would come up with something like a drama or reader’s theatre when I commissioned her.
            We began by throwing around some ideas. The audience was already understood because of our background at church. The Bridge is a small church community that is seeking to be open to non-churched people, those struggling with addictions, and people who have grown up in church their whole lives. The Lord’s Prayer was going to be our Scripture passage.
            Genre took longer to settle on. We talked about editing video, but we didn’t really have someone who could do it well in the time frame I need to finish the project. We thought about doing a voice recording in different languages, but we would need a metronome to keep the timing so the voices could be meshed together on a sound file. We discussed doing a children’s story book, or a drama with the Lord’s Prayer at the end.
           Here’s what we said was important: Scripture. It’s hard to interpret the Lord’s Prayer in a static way for an audience, but if we just use the words of the Lord’s Prayer, we’ve got something really powerful. We want it to be a performance piece- well-done, artistic, creative- but also something meaningful. Too much Christian art comes across as cheesy and the happy endings come to quickly. The stories and testimonies of people are what make the words powerful, and we want to capture the relevance of the Lord’s Prayer somehow.
            We prayed in the midst of our brainstorming, and when we lifted our heads, Deb had a drama exercise in mind. She had me close my eyes and focus on the word “love.” I had to repeat “love” after each phrase she said. It was akin to a word association game. She rattled off things like “wedding day, buying your first home, having a baby, manipulation, abuse, forgiveness...” while I repeated “love, love, love” in between each utterance. Divine inspiration.
            If the goal of Scripture Use, and this project for us, is to get the audience to engage personally, this “thought web” can do it. It builds relationships among concepts. It balances tensions and brings up authentic conflicts. Using key terms from the Lord’s Prayer, we can have people join together in repeating “Our father, our father, our father” in between other phrases that deal with fatherhood. The same goes for “holy,” “heaven,” “give,” etc. Initially, we can script the associated phrases.
But it would also work to turn it around. Instead of the group repeating key concepts, the facilitator could repeat the words. Then different members of the community could share their associations – and even testimonies – connected with that key phrase.
A beautiful thing about this work would be that it does not require expertise. It grows from what God is already doing in people’s lives. One doesn’t need a master’s degree in drama or leadership to repeat key phrases from the Lord’s Prayer or other Scripture passages. The associations help people connect to the passage. Closing one’s eyes and repeating bring a new affective dimension to the repetition. Furthermore, this piece could be used all over the world, in many different contexts. It uses the same principles – repeated key concepts from Scripture and associated phrases – but can be done in any language, with any experiences informing the script. It can be done in large groups or with only two people – maybe even only one person.
I’m very excited about this idea. I think it has a lot of possibilities, and I’m looking forward to using it in chapel as well as at the Bridge, hopefully. To God be the glory!

Recent Life Summary

School ended at the end of April, and I went on a road trip with 3 other girls down to the U.S. This is Rae, our packing engineer. Her skills were quite useful cramming things into the car.

We stopped at Mount Rushmore along the way. It was actually pretty chilly, and starting to rain, but it was nice to get out of the car.

I got dropped off in Iowa to visit my old stomping grounds. The cowboy hat, by the way, was my roadtrip buddy from my good friend Danielle. :)

The Hannahs let me stay with them in Kuyper, and one night we had a sleepover in the living room. They are so great. I miss them most of the time when I think about it.

The Hannahs graduated! And Abbie came, too, since she's Hannah's sister. So the four of us got to hang out all together for the first time in a year.

Then, it was time to leave Dordt. My cousin Taylor and I drove through the night to get to Ohio. We didn't make church (and the confirmation we were hoping to get to) on time, but we made it safely, which was enough.

Road trip buddies at the end of it all!

Family lunch on Mother's Day in Indiana. There's no place like home, I tell ya. I got to be there about a month, but interspersed with other trips.

Trips like going to Ohio for Taylor's wedding. They ran around and collected money as a game. They had a fun dance, and a good time was had. :)

Another wedding was in Kansas. Once again, the Hannahs, Abbie, and I united. Hannah got married, and the other three of us were bridesmaids. I couldn't have asked for better bridesmaid buddies. It was great!

Finally, my childhood friend Caleb got married in Washington just before school started. I had gone back to BC for classes and staff orientation, so I went down to WA for the weekend and hung out with Caleb's family at his wedding.

Now, I'm back at school in British Columbia. I'm taking three classes this semester and working as a teacher's assistant (TA) as well. It's quite crazy this week, so I really need to get off here and do homework, but I thought I'd send this out before it got any later. There are more things happening to talk about, and I'm behind. I'm thankful for a good break, and I'm content in school again.

Patting the Grave

"But every time the world has been disappointed. Its first disappointment was over the crucifixion. The Man came to life again. In a sense - and I quite realise how frightfully unfair it must seem to them - that has been happening ever since. They keep on killing the thing that He started: and each time, just as they are patting down the earth on its grave, they suddenly hear that it is still alive and has even broken out in some new place. No wonder they hate us."
~C.S. Lewis, "The New Men,"  Mere Christianity, p. 222.