It's been quite a long time since my last post! Perhaps you were thinking that I was going to be like any other blogger who starts to write about something then lets it die. Nope. And it's not that my life hasn't had a lot going on in it lately, either. I could have written about plenty.
I could have written about going to my undergrad in Iowa and presenting at Dordt's annual "Hug a Linguist" seminars. I could have talked about what a great trip it was but how it reminded me that I need to prepare different sorts of messages for different audiences (I think my presentations were a little too academically weighty for most of the undergrads). I was also thankful that Sioux Center doesn't make me wish I had chosen differently. I'm pretty content with life in BC because I believe that's where God asked me to go.
I could have written about all my fun times with friends over the past semester. We celebrated American Thanksgiving in style with cinnamon buns for breakfast, birthday celebrations at lunch, and a huge potluck at school in the evening. I've watched movies, sat in hot tubs, gone to the US, gone shopping, etc.
I could have written about my massive assignments. I took over the library with my 17 pieces of discourse chart spread out along a wall and wrote a paper in two days (not something I was particularly proud of, but it happened). I read a biblical passage in Greek in order to look for key words in a paper on the interpretation of Acts 17. Lots of other things, but Christmas break has muddled my mind as to academics last year. I could have written about all the things I learned.
But I lacked the heart. Perhaps for the past few months I've stopped seeing life as part of an adventure and more like something to get through. Now you may be thinking, oh great. Here comes the "I've had a rough time but I've come through on the other side" blog. Nope. If you're anything like me, you can stop that internal rant about people just talking about their struggles when they're past them. I'm not doing that. I'm just finally ready to talk about my struggles a little bit. I'm still in the midst of them.
In fact, I was able to articulate what's been going on for me just a few weeks ago when I was home with my parents over Christmas break. I told them I felt afraid and alone and lost. Just naming the looming fears inside me helped a lot.
And now it's been months since Christmas, and I still haven't put out this blog. Probably because I'm still working through so much. The struggle feels distant because I've chosen to put my questions and hauntings on the back burner. I need to get through school right now. I'm not afraid anymore, and I usually don't feel too alone. But I do feel lost and broken.
I suspect that God wants me in ministry long-term, but I can't minister from the state I'm in right now. I need to take time to figure out the basics and connect to God on a heart level. I know the right answers, but it's not good enough. I want to feel deeply convicted about who Jesus is to me and what difference God makes in my life. Beyond culture or comfort, I want the Gospel to be alive to me so that I can testify about the Kingdom of God in truth. I'll explain more later, but now I feel like this post needs to stop sitting in my drafts.
Pray for me. Some days are filled with light and life, and some days are a desolate wasteland. I'm not really sure why, and I can't predict my moods. I will choose, though, to put my hope in the Lord. I will not let him go until he blesses me. And I will count those blessings every time I start to slip into despondency.
No comments:
Post a Comment