Here's Hopin'

"...an anguished young Trappist monk spoke up: 'We've spoken of the loss of faith in American society. But what of loss of faith within the monastery itself?'He indicated that he was living, as a monk, with profound doubts, and that while the monastery was where he felt he belonged, at times his life there was nearly unbearable. Friar Lafont nodded; none of this, evidently, was a surprise to him. What he said in response struck me as both practical and thoroughly monastic: 'Of course we are weak, unable to cope. But if we can maintain faith, hope, and charity, it will radiate somehow. And people who come to us may find in us what we can no longer see in ourselves.'" (Kathleen Norris, The Cloister Walk, p. 363).

I identify with this young monk. I have believe in Jesus as long as I can remember, been a part of a Christian family, gone to Christian school. When I was old enough to choose my own path, I wanted to study theology and missions. I chose to study linguistics and exegesis so that I could learn an original language of the Bible. I  have been a part of faith communities and been expected to be a leader among other believers. But sometimes I have major doubts. I wonder if I can ever minister to anyone considering how bankrupt my own soul seems to me. I have nothing with which to minister to others.

But in that despair, I cling to the words of the wise friar. Hope, faith, and charity will somehow radiate from me, and others will see what I no longer glimpse in myself. Better yet, I believe that I do not have to be the one who works to hold onto this faith, hope, and love. Jesus is holding onto me. The Holy Spirit is working in me. Maybe it's the winter months when nothing much seems to be growing on the vine of my self, but soon will come the spring, bursting into life. Or maybe not. Regardless, I'm continuing to trust, fighting for hope.