Personality

Yes, I have dreadlocks. And it's becoming a more dreadful experience every day.

First, I'm home for the first time in almost a year, so people are seeing them in person. They are horrified that I've tied my hair up in knots. They worry that it won't be the same "beautiful, curly hair" it was before. Let me tell you, people, that is NOT the case! It is precisely because my hair has its same texture, curl, and mind of its own that my dreads are so difficult to maintain.

Before I got dreads in October, my hair did what it wanted. I had pretty much learned ways to tame it sufficiently so that we were working together like a team, but my hair has its own personality. I used to be able to direct it in ways I was happy with only every couple of days. Other times, I just settled for it looking decent, not amazing. Then I experimented with dreadlocks. I have kept my hair contained and in the same positions for 8 months. It is rebelling fiercely by this time.

Little pieces are pulling out. New growth is not knotting up. The locks look like they have tumors from where curls have bulged out the sides, and I have little straggly curls around my face and neck because they won't stay knotted into the strands. After the wedding I'm a bridesmaid for in May, I'm not going to worry about maintaining the dreads any more. That's it! I throw up my hands in surrender.

 See? Even when I put it in a pony tail, it's doing its curly thing, and it's escaping all around my face and spiraling weirdly in the Indiana humidity.

Down, it just goes nuts now. Medusa, is what my family calls me...

Second, I'm running out of supplies, and I'm too cheap to buy more. So yes, it's the end of an era. I've got that itch thoroughly scratched, and I'm done trying to tame my hair while shock the world all at once. Don't worry, my hair may be shorter when the dreads are out, but it will still be my hair completely, and it will grow back. :)

Purpose

Don't look at me that way, with doubt in your eyes. You don't know what you're doing with your degree? you say incredulously. What are you studying again? Linguistics and exegesis (translate: language and Bible) What can you do with that, teach? I chuckle helplessly and say yes, but I don't really want to teach. Maybe Bible translation. So you don't know the next step? How long is your program? No, I'm waiting for God's timing. I've got another year and a half, or so.

It's not a problem, people! I don't have a disease! I DO have purpose, and I know what it is. To bring glory to God and enjoy him. To love the people around me. To serve where I'm needed. I smile when I see people, cook and clean to make them smile too, go out for coffee, babysit, volunteer. I have lots of reasons to live. Just because I don't know what the next step of my career is doesn't mean I'm wandering aimlessly. I have been called, by God, to British Columbia for whatever reason right now, and I am living faithful obedience. I have dreams for the future, yes. Lots of options, in fact. But right now, I'm allowing God to craft me more into the person He wants me to be. I'm becoming more and more like the Future Self I envision when I think ahead.  One step at a time, following the Leader, living in relationship with Jesus and the people around me. The external stuff of a long-term plan doesn't really matter. I'm not worried about it. So don't you be, either.

I love stimulating homework!

I begin with what seems to me to be an undeniable truth. Schooling is mostly official.It always has been. It derives from the views and interests of our masters and mistresses: politicians, inspectors, and advisors. These views and interests – corrupt in the sense that they pretend to be about the interests of children and are really about statistics – are filtered through and then further corrupted by elements that have little to do with learning: the media and its need to influence people and the politicians' need for votes.
Fred Sedgwick (2001) Teaching Literacy: A Creative Approach, 1.

The Heart of Worship

Stimulating thoughts from class today:

The quest for meaning will not be answered by turning inward on the self but by focusing on the external revelation of God. Then he will tell you who you are.

The substance of worship is RELATIONSHIP. Rightly ordered relationship in which we recognize God in his place, and he gives us our place.

Worship is not limited to Sunday mornings.

Worship is a matter of the heart, not methods.

Prayer is the center of relationality. It is the substance of coming to know one another. Prayer is a deep walk into the heart and life of God.

Memorizing Scripture promotes intimacy between you and God.

We must liberate ourselves from the conventions of cultural religion. WE are not advocating an abandonment of culture. But a recognition that Christian theology has a responsibility in culture, not to it. We are salt, light, and yeast. We must discover the possibilities of "littleness." 






(Taken from Prof. Archie Spencer's lecture notes for Believers Church Theology.)

Possessions

I took a walk with God in the sunshine yesterday, and I was pondering Ephesians 1. As I wandered, ogling the flowers coming out and the mountains in the distance and the white clouds in the bright blue sky, I was amazed at life, and God's handiwork. I was also struck, meditating on words from Ephesians, by my utter creatureliness.

The first phrase to catch me was, "Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession, to the praise of his glory." I thought about the words "God's possession."  It seems to objectify people so much. Just objects to be owned. Really, it works well with the idea of redemption. God bought us back, paid something for us. That's how we relate to objects we own.

The next phrase was, "we were by nature objects of wrath." Again with the objectifying! Just recipients of divine anger and punishment. I mean, the verse even says "objects."

In Christian talk, it's easy to say that everything belongs to God. We easily say (not necessarily act) all the things we own are really God's possessions. We even say that we belong to God. But yesterday my mind stopped short on this idea that I am really not in control. I am truly a possession, an object. God is the actor. I like to think I'm in charge, that I have a will and the power to carry it out. This is true to some extent, maybe, but really - I'm a creature. Something that God created. I was an "object of wrath" but now, through the redemption bought by Christ's blood, I am God's chosen possession. There's not really anything I could do about it, or that I can even do now. I am the clay in the hands of the Potter.

It's humbling to be reminded of that. I am reminded that I am not in charge. God acted. God acts. Maybe it's not such a horrible thing to be objectified. And by the riches of God's grace, which he freely LAVISHES on us, knowing full well what he's doing, we are precious despite our creatureliness. Or because of it?

Making a List

When I have a lot to do, I write it out. Actually, I make lists for myself quite often, even if they're in my head. I stand and think about what I'm going to do next, and what comes after that. My mom calls me "Miss List" often enough. Part of it is that I process things better when I write them down. Things I have to do are no different from thoughts in my head or feelings I have to do - I can release them when I write them down. Thus, the lists.

I think I'm getting better. My list is not all-powerful like it used to be. In fact, I hope that people who don't know me very well don't even realize that I'm plotting my next moves all the time. That, after all, would be poor public relations. :) But really, I DO think that people should come before my goals. My relationships are what should be most important in my life, not the tasks I can accomplish with excellence (cough: good grades). This is what I believe in my head, at least.

But there is another dimension to my agenda. It's a defense mechanism. That way, if I ask someone what they're doing, I can have a list of things I'm doing if they don't say they want to spend time with me. The list is quite easily overridden if someone just expresses an interest in me. I can rarely say no to spending time with other people. But the list is there so that I can tell myself, "I don't need him. I have my own things to do." It makes the feelings of rejection or simply being unwanted less harsh. If I have a back-up plan, it's fine not to have social plans.

This is probably not a good way to approach life. It's rather pessimistic and fearful, I guess. Right now, it is what it is - but I'm pondering it. How can I interact with others in ways that shows that I value them? Is my need to protect myself even biblical? People tell me to guard my heart, but is it mine to guard? What would be so bad about saying directly, "I was hoping we could do something together even though I have a few things to do..."? Fear of rejection. I'm pretty sure it's no way to live life, but don't we all, to some degree?

My Sentiments Exactly

"I can only ask instructed Christians to watch very carefully, and tell me when I go wrong; and others to take what I say with a grain of salt - as something offered, because it may be a help, not because I am certain that I am right."
~ C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, "Faith"