Making a List

When I have a lot to do, I write it out. Actually, I make lists for myself quite often, even if they're in my head. I stand and think about what I'm going to do next, and what comes after that. My mom calls me "Miss List" often enough. Part of it is that I process things better when I write them down. Things I have to do are no different from thoughts in my head or feelings I have to do - I can release them when I write them down. Thus, the lists.

I think I'm getting better. My list is not all-powerful like it used to be. In fact, I hope that people who don't know me very well don't even realize that I'm plotting my next moves all the time. That, after all, would be poor public relations. :) But really, I DO think that people should come before my goals. My relationships are what should be most important in my life, not the tasks I can accomplish with excellence (cough: good grades). This is what I believe in my head, at least.

But there is another dimension to my agenda. It's a defense mechanism. That way, if I ask someone what they're doing, I can have a list of things I'm doing if they don't say they want to spend time with me. The list is quite easily overridden if someone just expresses an interest in me. I can rarely say no to spending time with other people. But the list is there so that I can tell myself, "I don't need him. I have my own things to do." It makes the feelings of rejection or simply being unwanted less harsh. If I have a back-up plan, it's fine not to have social plans.

This is probably not a good way to approach life. It's rather pessimistic and fearful, I guess. Right now, it is what it is - but I'm pondering it. How can I interact with others in ways that shows that I value them? Is my need to protect myself even biblical? People tell me to guard my heart, but is it mine to guard? What would be so bad about saying directly, "I was hoping we could do something together even though I have a few things to do..."? Fear of rejection. I'm pretty sure it's no way to live life, but don't we all, to some degree?