Making a List

When I have a lot to do, I write it out. Actually, I make lists for myself quite often, even if they're in my head. I stand and think about what I'm going to do next, and what comes after that. My mom calls me "Miss List" often enough. Part of it is that I process things better when I write them down. Things I have to do are no different from thoughts in my head or feelings I have to do - I can release them when I write them down. Thus, the lists.

I think I'm getting better. My list is not all-powerful like it used to be. In fact, I hope that people who don't know me very well don't even realize that I'm plotting my next moves all the time. That, after all, would be poor public relations. :) But really, I DO think that people should come before my goals. My relationships are what should be most important in my life, not the tasks I can accomplish with excellence (cough: good grades). This is what I believe in my head, at least.

But there is another dimension to my agenda. It's a defense mechanism. That way, if I ask someone what they're doing, I can have a list of things I'm doing if they don't say they want to spend time with me. The list is quite easily overridden if someone just expresses an interest in me. I can rarely say no to spending time with other people. But the list is there so that I can tell myself, "I don't need him. I have my own things to do." It makes the feelings of rejection or simply being unwanted less harsh. If I have a back-up plan, it's fine not to have social plans.

This is probably not a good way to approach life. It's rather pessimistic and fearful, I guess. Right now, it is what it is - but I'm pondering it. How can I interact with others in ways that shows that I value them? Is my need to protect myself even biblical? People tell me to guard my heart, but is it mine to guard? What would be so bad about saying directly, "I was hoping we could do something together even though I have a few things to do..."? Fear of rejection. I'm pretty sure it's no way to live life, but don't we all, to some degree?

My Sentiments Exactly

"I can only ask instructed Christians to watch very carefully, and tell me when I go wrong; and others to take what I say with a grain of salt - as something offered, because it may be a help, not because I am certain that I am right."
~ C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, "Faith"

Glory in an Afternoon Shower

Today I rode my bike home in GLORY. 


The voice of God echoed in the heavens. Fat drops of water, the kind a Midwest girl expects in a rain storm, pelted down. The wind gusted, asserting its existence. The clouds formed a blanket. How close the earth is to heaven!
And yet. 
Sunshine burst gloriously, lighting the world as if for the first time. The hues of the trees and the fields and the houses stood out, making everything look fresh and vibrant. The sky looked so blue it was like as to change your eye color just staring at it. 


And I got to experience this glory all around me, on the way home from school. 
A wonder of a moment.

Two Years Ago

"I had no idea
the pain would be this strong.
I had no idea
the fight would last this long..."

I can't believe how much energy it takes to not think about some things. Like me, the last few days, trying so hard not to think about two years ago. Two years ago, when I drove through the night with my cousin to visit Grampa in the hospital because there was a probability he would die Valentine's weekend. Two years ago, when I was pleasantly surprised to get to see Grampa again on spring break. Two years ago, when Grampa couldn't talk or eat anymore. Two years ago today, when we celebrated Grampa's 80th birthday early so that we could still celebrate it while he was with us. Two years ago tomorrow, when I was there in the room while he drew his last gasps of breath. Two years ago, when I slept in Grampa and Gramma's living room and woke up the morning after Grampa's death, expecting him to come walking into the room with his cane and his pipe and his cute grandpa hat.


I can't believe how much energy it takes not to think about these things. I can't think about these things because if I do, I'll cry. I can't cry right now. I am still running.

The song that was my mantra during the death of my first grandparent (Grampa), was Jon Foreman's "Learning How to Die." The death of my mom's dad was one of the first deaths I had to experience of someone really close to me when I was old enough to know what was going on. It was hard. And now it takes so much energy to not think about it.

See, I still miss him. I see his overalls in my closet, and I think that he should still be wearing them. I smell a pipe and think of him. Usually all the reminders are good memories of him, but sometimes it just hurts.

Yes, I have no doubt that my grandfather is with the Lord. He no longer experiences sickness - physically or mentally - or crying or pain. He has been transformed. There is hope beyond the grave. I know this. I believe this. Jesus Christ died and rose again, conquering the grave. But it's not the way things were supposed to be. It still hurts, and I still miss him. "So hold me, Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf..."

And a Visit with Friends, too!

While I was in Alberta, I also got to meet up with some CanIL friends from this past summer! Brenda, my roommate during the summer, lives in Montana. She graciously drove three hours north to hang out with me and my grandparents the last weekend I was in Alberta. Saturday night we went to Lethbridge to visit our friend Keilan, whom we lived directly above in the dorms during the summer. We made him show us around the university before we went out on the town.

 Keilan in his native environment, the basement office with equipment attached to his head. Yes, I'll let you draw your own conclusions...

 Apparently, the U of L has the longest hallway at least in North America, if not the world. This is it, folks

 Keilan took one look at this hallway and just laid down in desperation.

 We roused him enough to get to the other end of the long hallway, and we got to look out over the coolies

 However, before he saw the view, Keilan had again lain down on the floor, too exhausted to move. Can you imagine going to class on one end and the next class being on the other end of this hallway?!

 Of course, after galavanting all over Lethbridge, we needed sustenance. I had a coupon for a free pizza at Pizza Hut (long story, but basically I went to a fundraising dinner with Opa and Oma, I was made to sing the school's anthem, and they rewarded me and my cohorts with gifts of free food), so we ate there

 Then we topped off the revelry with some good blizzards at Dairy Queen. 

Thankfully, no blizzards outside to report, but the wind could have knocked us over that day.

Brenda sported her Trinity Spartans scarf, a reminder of her fiancé back at CanIL

Needless to say, a good time was had by all. I was laughing so hard I was crying in Pizza Hut (Brenda and Keilan have that effect on me), and we got to see all sorts of wondrous sights and sites. :) Brenda and my grandparents got along well. Us girls also enjoyed a late-night girl chat in my aunt and uncle's hot tub the night before we parted ways. I've never mixed friends and family in Alberta before, but this was definitely a good experience!

Family Time in Alberta

For Reading Week, I went to Alberta. Yes, the slacker life of a student. :) Providentially, it wound up that the weekend my break started was the same weekend that my dad's father, Opa to me, turned 85. I was able to be there for the parties and then for a week afterwards, too!

We had Opa's family gathering at a place north of Calgary. The weather was bad in the morning, but everyone made it to the location safely anyway. Then the sun came out and we explored the grounds. Some people went snow-shoeing, and others went sledding before lunch.

My cousin's son, Braden, climbs the hill ahead of the pack

 Dad and others went down the hill, sledding for a long time. He got all the farthest runs, until my last one...I beat him! :)

 Two of my aunts were climbing the hill after their runs down. They are brave and active ladies!

 Dad and his Ws... He marked the ends of his runs with W to mark which ones were his.

 See? I was there, too! Sledding is good father-daughter bonding time. I recommend it, as long as you have hills. :)

 During lunch we sat around at different tables and enjoyed a delicious meal of Morroccan fare.

 Meet the Maldiney men. They live in Calgary and I spent a few days with them before Opa's party on Saturday since I had flown into Calgary. These boys are the littlest cousins, and they're growing up so fast! (sorry, guys - I know you're not little anymore)

 Here are a few more aunts and uncles... My dad has 10 siblings, plus all of their significant others.

 I got to see my parents in Alberta, too! They made it up for the parties as well

 Opa and Eric having a manly conversation

 while the other men, my dad and uncle, start clean up in the kitchen (this kitchen had a walk-in refrigerator!)

 Time for cake! We gathered around and sang to Opa

 Then he blew out his candles!

 The next day at church, we served the congregation cake. Opa and Oma had two sheet cakes, and we served it up in the fellowship hall after the service.

 Then the family members who were around in Taber hung out at Opa and Oma's house for a lazy Sunday afternoon. Aunt Janice looks pretty relaxed

 Dad is getting ready for a nap

 Doesn't my mom look smart? 

(in the complimentary, beautiful way the British use the term - sorry, I'm a linguist; correct terms necessary)

 Yes, it's possible to lie down and knit. Can't you see I'm doing it? Okay, so I took a nap as well, but still! I knit a whole scarf in one week, so I don't think this method was a problem.

 Beautiful, snowy, cold, and flat! I love Alberta! :) 

This was the view from my bedroom window at Rob and Leslee's house.

 Aunt Leslee wanted proof that she was helping during the third party. Yes, three party days in a row. Monday Opa had over his friends and relatives to celebrate his birthday.

 That night, we made authentic Nicaraguan food at Rob and Leslee's house: gallo pinto and Nica tacos with salsa ingles! I may not cook much, but I can cook Nicaraguan food. :)

 Another day at Opa and Oma's house, just hanging out with my family.

 Oma was showing family pictures to my parents

Opa watched at the table. 

Shortly afterwards, we played Skip-Bo because that's what we do at my grandparents' house.

All in all, I had a great visit with my family in Alberta. Not only did I see my Albertan family, but I also got to spend time with my parents. I was really thankful for the opportunity to go for such a long trip and at such an opportune time! Highlights included seeing most of my aunts and uncles, pottery with Oma, swimming and Tim Horton's with Opa, a good long talk with my uncle Dick and aunt Pearl, and hot tubbing at Uncle Rob and Aunt Leslee's house, to name a few. It was a great visit, and I'm sure I'll cherish the memories for a long time to come.

Faithful

I just want to say that whenever I start to fret or wonder how life is going to work out right, God comes through. Every time. He is faithful. I don't even really know what that word means, but He's teaching me. God rocks!