Keep still

When I was in elementary school, I had an assignment where I had to ask my dad what his favorite Bible passage was. He told me it was Psalm 46.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
 though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter,
he utters his voice, the earth melts.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars cease to then end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the chariots with fire.

"Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!"
The Lord of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

For a ten-year-old, that psalm seems more scary than comforting. I hadn't lived through much to want a refuge. All that talk of war and desolation, the earth shaking at God's voice, shouting about the nations exalting the Lord seemed a little extreme. The words "be still" seemed more like a command than an invitation. I wrote that it was my dad's favorite passage while secretly questioning his judgement. Now I understand a bit better why he chose that one for a school assignment.

Tonight in church, we focused on Psalm 46:10, and it was as if God was speaking directly to me through the pastor. Unlike usual, I started taking notes as soon as I heard the opening sentences. I'll write them interspersed with my thoughts in italics.

Be still, and know that I am God. The truth is, I'm ready for some stillness. I feel like I have been running at full tilt for the past two months. I've started to fret more than usual, I'm irritable, and tired most of the time. I have taken my eyes off of Jesus and fixed them on how much my hands and feet can accomplish in one day. Sickness has been haunting me over the past few weeks, and I know that I am not taking care of myself. Despite this knowledge, I have felt powerless to change my situation.

The tendency is to make ourselves desperate. We become anxious. Psalm 23 says, "He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." It's hard for someone to attend to us if we aren't still. A teacher can't give the lesson if you are talking over what she is saying. In quietness, we can find and meet God.

Oh yes, I've been desperate. The fact that I have made several snippy comments to Roberto and others this week proves that. Instead of recognizing the value of interruptions in my schedule to visit the sick, I've been put out. I haven't been sleeping. This weekend I was planning to do a sort of silent retreat. A year ago, I was in a week of silence at Taizé monastery in France. It changed my life, and I want an experience with God again. In quietness we can meet God. In that quietness we can know who God is.

Who is God? Numbers 23:19 says, "God is not a man that he should lie, nor a son of man that he should repent." God does what he says he will do. Psalm 37:7 says to keep silence and wait for the Lord. Psalm 37:19 says that those who wait for the Lord will not be put to shame in times of evil. In times of famine they will live in abundance. I have been waiting for the Lord, but not very quietly. I have a decision to make about what comes after December. The fact is, I've been offered different positions, and I can't figure out how to make the decision. My feelings toss me one way and then the other. I know what I want, but I'm inexplicably afraid of what my answer could entail. Perhaps I'm afraid of being put to shame if it all goes south. And there are always little niggling doubts in my head that I'm not enough, that God will change his mind about me like he did about Saul, that an answer will not come. Are we really getting to know God in these difficult times? Or are we just complaining and lamenting, asking God "why?" Are we experiencing His presence in the hardship?

Well, there's a wake-up call. Yes, I've been coming to that conclusion myself. It's not so much about seeking an answer as it is about seeking God. Jesus is the one I should be looking for, not some mysterious direction in which to go with my life. The answers fall into place when I am dependent on God. Our hope and confidence should be put in God. Isaiah 26:2-4 talks about God keeping in perfect peace the one whose hope is in God. Our strength is in the Lord, and our confidence depends on God. 

Lately, I have wanted to do devotions, but I haven't really known what to study. I'm not in the middle of any books. I've been reading a psalm daily, but I want to spend more time in the Word - I just don't know where to go. So I've been listless about reading the Bible. Don't get distracted and allow the enemy to rob you of the Word. Take it and believe that God will do what he says. A desperate person acts crazy and doesn't make good choices. We need to wait quietly for the Lord, holding onto the Word.

He is my help and my strength. We can't go to the store and ask for a pound of strength. They might give us a 5 pound sack and tell us to lift it regularly, and then we'll have strength. But really, our strength only comes from God.

Like Jacob, don't let go of God until he blesses you. Don't give up on the answer from God. Like I said, I've been missing France and actually my whole experience from last summer. Strangely, I had this image of Jacob in my head last year, telling God that I would not let him go until he blessed me. When I entered into a week of silence, I thought I would need to wrestle with God about why I was a Christian and what purpose I was supposed to serve on this earth. But Jesus surprised me by wooing me with his love. We didn't wrestle; he embraced me. So today, this story comes back in a different way, and it brings a smile to my face.

Psalm 46:7 and 46:11 are the same. God really wants us to know who he is. He is the God of hosts, and our refuge. It repeats.

So how are we going to be? Quiet. We can grow to a new level of dependency on Him. We need to seek him more. Yes, a new level of dependency. I have a bad tendency of thinking I (or someone else) has "arrived" and there's no need to strive anymore. But as I wrestle with decisions about my future, policies for the present, and reflections on the past, I still need to depend on God. In quietness is my strength because it is there, in the deep places of my heart, that I know God best.

Getting Left Behind

With less than a month to go until I turn 26 and still single, some people are starting to make comments. Nicaraguans frequently ask me if I have a boyfriend. When I tell them no, they ask why not. When I say that God hasn’t put the right person in my life yet, they say that the train is leaving the station, and I should hurry up about finding someone. I tell them that Nicaragua doesn’t even have a train system, so it might as well leave me behind.

I’m not bitter about this. I love my life, and I don’t have any regrets about what I’ve done. I see singleness as a gift, especially now as I live abroad and explore the wonders of the world. In my very limited romantic experience, I’ve learned that when I rush things, they turn out badly. It’s better to relax and wait on the Lord. I trust Him with the timing of things.

I also trust that if I never marry and have children, that’s okay too. I’m not opposed to the idea, but I’m not longing for a family of my own, either. I have many rich relationships that fulfill me and give me a chance to serve others. Furthermore, having a husband and children was never one of my life goals. I didn’t think much about my wedding or how many kids I wanted or what color the walls of my house should be. In fact, I never spent much time planning my future. I’ve seen that people’s plans often change. Who am I to say where God will take me in 10 years? I couldn’t have imagined what my life would look like one year ago, and I don't know how to predict the next one.

But I have had one long-term goal as long as I can remember. To serve the Lord in whatever He asks me to do. My parents taught me from a young age that my faith should affect every facet of my life. I should always do my best in everything, as unto the Lord.  When I became a member of the church at 16, my theme verse was Philippians 1:21, “For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.” I wanted that verse to be the truth of my life. I knew I hadn’t achieved it yet, but I wanted it to be true one day. Obedience is my lifelong goal. And that’s what has brought me thus far. By the grace of God, I have had all sorts of wonderful, undeserved opportunities. I have studied and traveled and met all sorts of people and made many friends. Some people say that my choices have affected my status as a single person. Perhaps I’m intimidating because of my intelligence, or unavailable because of where I choose to live, or too demanding because of my high standards. Perhaps.

Whatever the reasons, I feel content with my life. I believe that I have followed God’s leading in the choices that I have made. Regardless of the consequences, I have felt alive because I have been living out God’s purpose for me in my life. Of course I don’t have the same experiences as some of my friends who are married or have children, but I have other experiences that are also rich. As I learn to be more and more in love with Jesus, I realize that everything else falls into place. Love is the main motivation for everything in life.

So no, I don’t worry about becoming an old maid or getting left behind. The Lord has blessed me in my life. I’m glad that I’ve made the choices I’ve made. And no matter what happens, if at the end of it all I hear, along with all the others, “Well done, good and faithful servant” that will be enough. It has been so far, and it will continue to be. One step at a time, following the Holy Spirit’s dance through life.

Buyer's Remorse

This week I had to learn one of those valuable yet painful life lessons. Thankfully, it was about purchasing things in a foreign country - nothing too heart-wrenching, but a valuable lesson nonetheless.

As you know, I've moved out of my host family's house. The Cohort of Missioners is giving a house of their own a go. Right now, that means Guissell and me, but Mark will probably join us again in July, and there's a new missionary coming whom Guissell knows from Costa Rica who will live with us as well. Since I no longer live with Dona Idalia, I figured I should get my own bike. Guissell and I have been going to the market almost every day to buy things we need for the house. Tuesday we went together, and I was going to pick out a bike.

Instead of going to the bike section of the market, I stopped in a distributor's shop just to look quickly before making our way to the bike section. Well, I got pulled in. When I expressed doubt about the bike the salesman showed me and said I was going to go to the bike section, he insisted that they were a distributor and any bike I bought over there from the shops would have come from them. I got him to throw in mudflaps and a good greasing, all for the price of about $84. A little on the high end, but normal from what I'd already quoted.

I should have asked more questions.

When the salesman showed it to me, the bike didn't have pedals, a seat, or the mudflaps. I didn't see what models they were going to put on. I just handed over my money and trusted I would like it. Wrong. And after I tried the bike, the gears weren't working right. Considering it was a new bike, I was quite upset at all the problems. And from the feeling of the bike, I'm just going to continue to have problems because they used cheap parts. After I sent the bike back to the shop 3 times, the head mechanic finally discovered that the gear shifter had a manufacturing error. By this time, we had been at this store for over an hour. When I asked if I could just return the bike because I wasn't happy with it, the salesman said it had already been greased, and they'd written it up, so I couldn't return it.

When my friend Roberto saw the bike, he did not approve. The gear sprocket was loose. The tires were not aligned. The pedals were not new, or if they were, they were not in good shape. Things I had known, but was out of patience to deal with at the store because I wasn't getting the results I wanted. Roberto told me he had a friend in the bike section, and he would go with me the next day to get it fixed.

So on Wednesday I went with Roberto to another bike shop. They told me the parts on this bike were cheap, and they wouldn't last. They changed out the sprockets and pedals. They also added pegs on the back (I'm hoping to have some passengers!). So I invested another $7 in repairs on my new bike. And the shop owner told me he had a brand new bike for about $70. Bummer. Furthermore, they informed me that I was within my rights to insist on returning the bike the day I had wanted to return it.

When Guissell asked me how the bike stuff went on Wednesday, we were in the car with my host brother Albert. After hearing my tale of woe about the bike (I was very frustrated, especially knowing that I had gone against my better judgement on several points), Albert wanted to see the bike. He also confirmed that I should have been able to return the bike that same day, especially since I had a receipt. When Albert looked at the bike, he thought that the rear axle was bad, and that's why my bike was making a clicking noise with every revolution. He told me to take it back to the store and demand that they fix or change it for me. I asked him to go with me, and we made a plan.

So yesterday, third day in a row, I showed up at the market with this bike. Albert got them to look at the rear axle, and they did something to it. It felt much better when I tried it out, and really, I didn't want to be there any more.

What did I learn? Lots.

1) Don't try to be so independent. I could have asked Roberto or Albert to go with me when buying the bike originally. Guissell knows less about bikes than I do, and not much about negotiating in a market, either. If I'd asked someone knowledgeable and trustworthy, I could have saved myself some frustration as well as some money. My reasons for going alone were partly pride, partly self-assurance that I can live here alone, partly sheepishness and not wanting to impose on someone else. Bottom line is that they were bad reasons. Lesson: Bring a guide.

2) It's better to go to the section of the market that specializes in that item instead of going to a general distributor. When I got the bike, it was always being worked on out of my sight. I have no idea what the mechanics did. Nor did I see what types of pedals, seats, and mudflaps they had available to specify what I wanted. If I'd gone to a bike shop specifically, I would have seen it all. The salesman actually told me it was better for me not to go to the shop even though I wanted to. Lesson: See it firsthand.

3) If I have a receipt, it's definitely within my rights to return the item, no matter what the salesman tells me. I could have gotten a police officer involved. Here's where a guide would have been helpful as well. Albert or Roberto knew that I should have been able to return the bike the same day. The problem was that I didn't know the policies for return, being in a foreign setting. Lesson: Know your rights.

4) Finally, I feel bad because I ignored some of my instincts. I let myself be pushed around, and I didn't insist for what I wanted. Saying no is always hard for me, especially in pressure situations, but I should have told that salesman "no." Lesson: Go with your gut.

Those are the main things. I'm thankful that it was only a purchase of $80 instead of $800. It could have been worse. And to be fair, I probably shouldn't expect a really good bike for only $80. When I had a Costco bike in Canada, I knew that it wasn't the greatest quality. Same thing here. Even though there aren't many bikes for thousands of dollars here, that doesn't mean the quality is any better than getting any old bike in North America. And now I know how to do things better in the future.

I'm very thankful for this bike. Even if it is not ideal, it will serve me well. I've already been bopping all over town on it. Goodbye, taxis!

Catching Up

From May 6-12, I got to catch up with friends and family. Yes, this blog is a bit delayed. However, that does not diminish the importance of the occasion. I got to see my little brother graduate from university!

Going back to Sioux Center is as/more exciting as going home to Indiana for me. I get to see all sorts of people I know and love as well as revel in the small-town life that I grew to love for four years. This time, I got to meet up with extended family as well as my immediate family, and I could spend time with some of my best friends.

Hannah and Travis, whom I got to enjoy an evening of fun with before they were involved in all sorts of stuff for other people. Hannah and I were in Nicaragua together for the semester.

Reunited with family! On Thursday, my parents arrived with Grandma, and we all ate at the Chinese restaurant in town, a family favorite. We've decided it was a better restaurant when I graduated.

Happy to be reunited as brother and sister!

Grandma getting ready for graduation, about to walk out of the hotel room all dolled-up.

Mom, Dad, and I got stuck up in the nosebleeds for graduation. Kid you not, we were two rows from the very highest bleachers you could have.

The graduating class of Dordt College in 2014

A blurry picture of Dirk walking down the aisle to get his diploma

Dirk, the littlest cousin, and Grandma

Enjoying a parent/daughter bonding time in the hotel room. Look, you can see us all since Mom and I are visible in the mirror!

This young man is ready to rock the world!

Hannah, another dear friend with whom I was in Nicaragua, shows off the payaso I brought back from Nicaragua this time. I stayed at her house.

Dirk and Mom at our celebration brunch. Dirk picked up a few good habits during his semester in Washington DC, and we decided to celebrate with a Washingtonian tradition

Grandma came along, too

Dad and I at the celebratory brunch. Waffles, scones, omelets, all sorts of yummy things. Plus free refills on coffee!

Donuts! I had been craving fresh donuts in Nicaragua, and we fulfilled the desire as a family. Yeah, Casey's Bakery!

After a few months in Nicaragua, I'm astounded by the lack of security in Sioux Center! It was worthy of a picture to my foreign eyes.

Since my cousin-in-law also graduated, our family got together for Pizza Ranch (classic NW Iowa). We had a grand time together.

The younger boys passed time with Grandma. Wheelchairs are better than television!

Family picture together after my cousin's baby was baptized. We even color-coordinated accidentally. Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

Playing at the park. Wheels for the baby and for the cousins! Yes, we commandeered Grandma's ride.

So that's the trip of 5 days in snapshots. Family, eating, friends, playing in the park, family. It was a good trip even though it was a whirlwind. On the way home, I opted for a different flight since mine was overbooked, and I got a flight voucher! Definitely a good trip, filled with all sorts of good gifts from our Heavenly Father. It was a huge blessing to be able to go 'home' to celebrate with my family. I didn't realize how important the event would be to me until I was on my way there - and very glad that I had decided to go!

Stomach Punch

The Cohort of Missioners group in Nicaragua jokes that I have a stomach of steel. I haven't been sick at all since coming to Nicaragua in January, and I eat everything that's given to me. I drink the local water with no problems. But yesterday, my stomach of steel let me down.

I was supposed to leave for Managua at 6 am, but I got up and felt sick. Deciding that I needed more sleep, I texted my supervisor that I would be going to the conference where I was expected late. He said it was fine. Instead of getting better after a few hours of sleep, I was worse. I spent pretty much the whole day in bed or in the bathroom, curled up trying to find a position where my stomach didn't hurt. I developed a fever but didn't want anything to eat or drink.

In the midst of my misery, I was actually quite thankful. See, it was like God knew exactly what I needed. I've been running constantly for the last month, it feels like. Guissell compared me to a squirrel this week, always going up and down. I don't know how to take a break, especially when everything feels so urgent and pressing. Being sick is the only way I can give myself permission not to get things done. Not to expect to have accomplished a mile-long to-do list by the end of the day. Not to say yes to everything people ask me to do. Being punched in the stomach - literally - was a welcome relief. My shepherd MADE me lie down in green pastures, and I'm ever so grateful.

I'm way behind in blog posts, but here's an overview of my calendar from the last month:

May 5 - Day in Managua

May 6-12 Trip to Iowa for my brother's graduation

May 12-18 Coordinate and accompany a group of 7 people associated with Communities First Association on their visit to the Nehemiah Center

May 19 Day in Managua

May 20 Trip to Somotillo for graduations of Buen Trato program; Job offer from World Missions to be a career missionary

May 22 Biblical Worldview class; house rental arrangements

May 23 Trip to Chinandega for Buen Trato program

May 24 Bible study in the morning, trip to Managua for a CRC party in the afternoon

May 26 Day in Managua

May 27 Trip to Chinandega for Buen Trato graduation

...

Anyways, you get the picture. I was basically gone for 2 weeks in the States and then with a team, and when I came back to León I was just trying to catch up on everything. Plus we decided to rent an unfurnished house as the Caminantes, so that has been all sorts of extra work signing for the house and trying to furnish it.

Mark left today to go back to the States for 6 weeks or so, and there have been a lot of transitions. People who are shorter term have come and gone in May, and we are trying to be involved in a lot. I'm not good at taking breaks, but it seems that we need to add an expectation of rest into our Cohort guidelines and descriptions. In the meantime, I'm glad for a few sick days.