The Heart of Worship

Stimulating thoughts from class today:

The quest for meaning will not be answered by turning inward on the self but by focusing on the external revelation of God. Then he will tell you who you are.

The substance of worship is RELATIONSHIP. Rightly ordered relationship in which we recognize God in his place, and he gives us our place.

Worship is not limited to Sunday mornings.

Worship is a matter of the heart, not methods.

Prayer is the center of relationality. It is the substance of coming to know one another. Prayer is a deep walk into the heart and life of God.

Memorizing Scripture promotes intimacy between you and God.

We must liberate ourselves from the conventions of cultural religion. WE are not advocating an abandonment of culture. But a recognition that Christian theology has a responsibility in culture, not to it. We are salt, light, and yeast. We must discover the possibilities of "littleness." 






(Taken from Prof. Archie Spencer's lecture notes for Believers Church Theology.)

Possessions

I took a walk with God in the sunshine yesterday, and I was pondering Ephesians 1. As I wandered, ogling the flowers coming out and the mountains in the distance and the white clouds in the bright blue sky, I was amazed at life, and God's handiwork. I was also struck, meditating on words from Ephesians, by my utter creatureliness.

The first phrase to catch me was, "Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession, to the praise of his glory." I thought about the words "God's possession."  It seems to objectify people so much. Just objects to be owned. Really, it works well with the idea of redemption. God bought us back, paid something for us. That's how we relate to objects we own.

The next phrase was, "we were by nature objects of wrath." Again with the objectifying! Just recipients of divine anger and punishment. I mean, the verse even says "objects."

In Christian talk, it's easy to say that everything belongs to God. We easily say (not necessarily act) all the things we own are really God's possessions. We even say that we belong to God. But yesterday my mind stopped short on this idea that I am really not in control. I am truly a possession, an object. God is the actor. I like to think I'm in charge, that I have a will and the power to carry it out. This is true to some extent, maybe, but really - I'm a creature. Something that God created. I was an "object of wrath" but now, through the redemption bought by Christ's blood, I am God's chosen possession. There's not really anything I could do about it, or that I can even do now. I am the clay in the hands of the Potter.

It's humbling to be reminded of that. I am reminded that I am not in charge. God acted. God acts. Maybe it's not such a horrible thing to be objectified. And by the riches of God's grace, which he freely LAVISHES on us, knowing full well what he's doing, we are precious despite our creatureliness. Or because of it?

Making a List

When I have a lot to do, I write it out. Actually, I make lists for myself quite often, even if they're in my head. I stand and think about what I'm going to do next, and what comes after that. My mom calls me "Miss List" often enough. Part of it is that I process things better when I write them down. Things I have to do are no different from thoughts in my head or feelings I have to do - I can release them when I write them down. Thus, the lists.

I think I'm getting better. My list is not all-powerful like it used to be. In fact, I hope that people who don't know me very well don't even realize that I'm plotting my next moves all the time. That, after all, would be poor public relations. :) But really, I DO think that people should come before my goals. My relationships are what should be most important in my life, not the tasks I can accomplish with excellence (cough: good grades). This is what I believe in my head, at least.

But there is another dimension to my agenda. It's a defense mechanism. That way, if I ask someone what they're doing, I can have a list of things I'm doing if they don't say they want to spend time with me. The list is quite easily overridden if someone just expresses an interest in me. I can rarely say no to spending time with other people. But the list is there so that I can tell myself, "I don't need him. I have my own things to do." It makes the feelings of rejection or simply being unwanted less harsh. If I have a back-up plan, it's fine not to have social plans.

This is probably not a good way to approach life. It's rather pessimistic and fearful, I guess. Right now, it is what it is - but I'm pondering it. How can I interact with others in ways that shows that I value them? Is my need to protect myself even biblical? People tell me to guard my heart, but is it mine to guard? What would be so bad about saying directly, "I was hoping we could do something together even though I have a few things to do..."? Fear of rejection. I'm pretty sure it's no way to live life, but don't we all, to some degree?

My Sentiments Exactly

"I can only ask instructed Christians to watch very carefully, and tell me when I go wrong; and others to take what I say with a grain of salt - as something offered, because it may be a help, not because I am certain that I am right."
~ C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, "Faith"

Glory in an Afternoon Shower

Today I rode my bike home in GLORY. 


The voice of God echoed in the heavens. Fat drops of water, the kind a Midwest girl expects in a rain storm, pelted down. The wind gusted, asserting its existence. The clouds formed a blanket. How close the earth is to heaven!
And yet. 
Sunshine burst gloriously, lighting the world as if for the first time. The hues of the trees and the fields and the houses stood out, making everything look fresh and vibrant. The sky looked so blue it was like as to change your eye color just staring at it. 


And I got to experience this glory all around me, on the way home from school. 
A wonder of a moment.

Two Years Ago

"I had no idea
the pain would be this strong.
I had no idea
the fight would last this long..."

I can't believe how much energy it takes to not think about some things. Like me, the last few days, trying so hard not to think about two years ago. Two years ago, when I drove through the night with my cousin to visit Grampa in the hospital because there was a probability he would die Valentine's weekend. Two years ago, when I was pleasantly surprised to get to see Grampa again on spring break. Two years ago, when Grampa couldn't talk or eat anymore. Two years ago today, when we celebrated Grampa's 80th birthday early so that we could still celebrate it while he was with us. Two years ago tomorrow, when I was there in the room while he drew his last gasps of breath. Two years ago, when I slept in Grampa and Gramma's living room and woke up the morning after Grampa's death, expecting him to come walking into the room with his cane and his pipe and his cute grandpa hat.


I can't believe how much energy it takes not to think about these things. I can't think about these things because if I do, I'll cry. I can't cry right now. I am still running.

The song that was my mantra during the death of my first grandparent (Grampa), was Jon Foreman's "Learning How to Die." The death of my mom's dad was one of the first deaths I had to experience of someone really close to me when I was old enough to know what was going on. It was hard. And now it takes so much energy to not think about it.

See, I still miss him. I see his overalls in my closet, and I think that he should still be wearing them. I smell a pipe and think of him. Usually all the reminders are good memories of him, but sometimes it just hurts.

Yes, I have no doubt that my grandfather is with the Lord. He no longer experiences sickness - physically or mentally - or crying or pain. He has been transformed. There is hope beyond the grave. I know this. I believe this. Jesus Christ died and rose again, conquering the grave. But it's not the way things were supposed to be. It still hurts, and I still miss him. "So hold me, Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf..."

And a Visit with Friends, too!

While I was in Alberta, I also got to meet up with some CanIL friends from this past summer! Brenda, my roommate during the summer, lives in Montana. She graciously drove three hours north to hang out with me and my grandparents the last weekend I was in Alberta. Saturday night we went to Lethbridge to visit our friend Keilan, whom we lived directly above in the dorms during the summer. We made him show us around the university before we went out on the town.

 Keilan in his native environment, the basement office with equipment attached to his head. Yes, I'll let you draw your own conclusions...

 Apparently, the U of L has the longest hallway at least in North America, if not the world. This is it, folks

 Keilan took one look at this hallway and just laid down in desperation.

 We roused him enough to get to the other end of the long hallway, and we got to look out over the coolies

 However, before he saw the view, Keilan had again lain down on the floor, too exhausted to move. Can you imagine going to class on one end and the next class being on the other end of this hallway?!

 Of course, after galavanting all over Lethbridge, we needed sustenance. I had a coupon for a free pizza at Pizza Hut (long story, but basically I went to a fundraising dinner with Opa and Oma, I was made to sing the school's anthem, and they rewarded me and my cohorts with gifts of free food), so we ate there

 Then we topped off the revelry with some good blizzards at Dairy Queen. 

Thankfully, no blizzards outside to report, but the wind could have knocked us over that day.

Brenda sported her Trinity Spartans scarf, a reminder of her fiancé back at CanIL

Needless to say, a good time was had by all. I was laughing so hard I was crying in Pizza Hut (Brenda and Keilan have that effect on me), and we got to see all sorts of wondrous sights and sites. :) Brenda and my grandparents got along well. Us girls also enjoyed a late-night girl chat in my aunt and uncle's hot tub the night before we parted ways. I've never mixed friends and family in Alberta before, but this was definitely a good experience!