Calling

I thought I would know what I was doing with my life by now. In a narrow sense, I mean. Broadly, I think I'm doing exactly what I always thought I would be doing: following God with my heart, trying to give him glory with everything I do. When people ask what I want to do in the future, that's about as defined as the future is for me. I want to be where God wants me, loving life, Jesus, and people.


However, I have no idea what that means as far as where I'll be living, what job I'll be working, or any of the other answers to easy conversational questions people ask. I have been at school in British Columbia for two weeks now, and there have been a lot of introductions. Introductions mean I have to find a good way to say that I have no idea what life will look like for me after August 13 when classes end. Introductions mean everyone sounds confident about the future and puts their best foot forward. Needless to say, these introductions make me stress about the future. How can I not have an answer for all of these people innocently asking me about my plans for the future?


I often idealize God's will for my life (especially in the details, which I think of as that mysterious, spiritual-sounding word "calling") as some magic answer that will make me happy and solve most of life's problems for me. I like to think that if I choose the "right" career, or go out with the "right" guy, or live in the "right" place, God will be happy with me, and I will be satisfied with life. Perhaps that's true. I think there's more to it, though. What a cheap way to look at God!


 A lot of times I think there is only one right answer, and I want to get it "right" (see why I'm good at school? I like right answers). Moreover, I think that God's "right" answer will be clearly posted on a sign in the sky with directions mapped out for the foreseeable future. In Adrianna's mind, that would be the ideal way of receiving messages from the Lord.


BUT. I don't really think life works that way, and Jesus is teaching me more and more that there may not be a "right" answer or a list of instructions that make sense. I thought when I went to Nicaragua, I would discover my purpose for living and know exactly where I was supposed to go after graduating in May. Nope. Then of course, God would reveal the plan for the next 5 years in my last semester of college. Wrong again. Instead, I got the next step: work at Dordt and go to summer classes. And then? Your guess is as good as mine.


It's not so hopeless, though. I think I'm being nudged in certain directions. I'm interested in ministry. I love linguistics, figuring out language, its sounds, its pieces, its function in society. CanIL is a great community to be a part of. Maybe God's calling isn't going to map out the next years for me. I could learn to live with one step at a time. I'm more dependent on God that way, that's for sure. When I don't know my plans the future, I'm much more aware that God is in control. 


I'm realizing, too, that calling isn't necessarily communicated in some divine vision. It could be no one discouraging something I'm drawn to. The Spirit could speak through the encouragements of my professors, friends, and parents. I could be nudged towards things just because I like them and my interests in others things have faded. Perhaps, like some missionaries I heard about here at CanIL, God's calling will come in some seemingly silly way, like spinning a pencil on a piece of paper and choosing the country it lands on most often. 


The process of choosing the next step is one that has led me to identify with shepherding language more easily. I think of Jesus saying to Paul, "It is hard for you to kick against the goads." Sometimes I wonder if I know what I should do all along but I question it so much that I make it harder on myself. Part of my struggle is that I think I should be able to logically argue for why I'm choosing to do something, and God's nudges don't seem to be very logical. I feel like my boundaries are shrinking, but I can't really explain why or how - it's a feeling more than anything. I told someone it feels like the parting of the Red Sea: one path to take. The entire sea is out there, and I could swim wherever I wanted, but right now I just want to walk.


Jesus is the Good Shepherd, and the Gate. I do believe that he will lead me in the right direction. Maybe he won't lead the way I expect, though. I also trust that if I'm going down a path that isn't a the best way, he'll reach out, scoop me up, and take me in his arms the right way. I suppose it could be painful, but I also trust that the Lord will be with me through the tough times. 


Honestly, these past few weeks of adjustment in British Columbia have been kind of hard. Nonetheless, I feel surprisingly joyful, content, and buoyant. I can't explain it. There are a lot of things in life that I experience and I can't explain them I guess that's where I have to simply accept that God is good, all the time, and always faithful. I can't explain it, but I can believe it. I can live trusting, and listening, and being willing to accept it when God doesn't "call" the way I think he should.