Why do I love Jesus?

Sometimes I feel like a fish out of water here at CanIL. A Christian Reformed girl in the midst of people with very diverse faith backgrounds. I was very excited to meet a guy who knew who Abraham Kuyper was and seemed to have a high opinion of him. I’m not usually a person who puts a LOT of emphasis on denominational affiliations, but here, when I feel alone, it’s more important. I think it’s the knowledge that people from the same denomination understand a way of thinking and share a common background with me. I feel more “at home” with them.

It’s not just a way of thinking, though, that’s different. People from other faith backgrounds have a different way of speaking. Others’ willingness to speak about Jesus and what God is doing in their lives makes me think about how I can explain my faith more, too. A lot of times I feel like I do not voice my beliefs very well or very readily. So I find myself revisiting questions like, “What is my testimony? Why do I love Jesus?”

Many times I feel like I do not have good answers to these questions. I don’t have a dramatic conversion story. I didn’t see a lightning bolt from heaven that told me to be a missionary or anything. I’m being herded, as I explain it. I do not have a plan for the future. God has called me to follow him and be faithful, and CanIL is where I sense him nudging me. I’m not always happy about it. I don’t feel adequate for what I seem to be undertaking. I can’t even explain my faith or why I’m a Christian. I don’t have a story that will wow the crowd and convince anyone I meet to believe in Jesus.

And yet. As I was walking by the pond, pondering why I love Jesus, the answer came to me. I love Jesus because he first loved me. He chose me. I have a heritage of faith that I cannot deny, and I am a product of God’s work  - not only in my own life but also in my parents’ and grandparents’ lives. When I think of the stories of God’s grace in my parents’ lives, awe comes over me. God has done great things! I can’t tell their stories of grace, but I am a part of it. Jesus amazes me in the ways He has worked in my dad’s and mom’s lives.

Perhaps, then, I am a bit like Samuel. I’m not saying my parents prayed for me and dedicated me to the Lord (they haven’t told me that as part of my story directly, at least), but they have in some senses. They have always told me that I am God’s child, and they are simply his stewards. They want me to follow Jesus wherever he leads. Because of their influence in my life, my faith has been shaped in unique ways. I think of my faith journey not as a conversion but as a maturation. As I have grown up physically, I have grown spiritually. There have been different milestones in my faith walk that have led me to claim Jesus Christ as my Lord more and more, to become an adult in my faith. Instead of simply riding on the current of my family’s faith, it has become my own source of life as well.

I love Jesus because he first loved me. It’s like a guy who expresses interest in me: often I like him simply because he likes me. The guy’s interest in me sparks an interest in him. Same with Jesus: I did not choose him first. It’s a biblical idea.  1 John 4: 19, “We love because he first loved us.” The Spirit touched my soul mysteriously, the Lord God has wooed my heart, the Savior has taken my hand. I make choices to follow him, to be obedient, and to live my life as if it were not for me but for the fame of the one Israel called I AM. He is teaching me that I do not have to have a plan, but I have to trust that He does. He is herding me like a sheep even if I am not sure we are going where I want to go. I love Jesus because he first loved me, and that's enough.