The end of my education (I hope!) is coming very near. Less than a month to go until I graduate with a master's degree in linguistics and exegesis. Step by step, we're moving forward.
Who am I kidding? I'm rockin' the deadlines, yo. I own this stuff.
This past Friday I took comprehensive exams. It was slotted for three hours in the computer lab. Four essay questions (2 required plus 2 out of 4 for choice), approximately 2 pages each, with approximately a half hour per question. In order to graduate from the master's program, we have to either write a thesis or take two more classes plus comprehensive exams. I took the exams. I had studied for the exam, but not too much. We had been told it was mostly reflection and synthesis of our education over the past two years and how it affected us. Our advising professor, the program chairman, had told us to think of the exam in terms of "thoughts you have in the shower." Like the reflections on our learning that go through our minds.
Well, I got to the exam and realized our advisor must have much more analytic thoughts than me! I spent the first twenty minutes panicking, but I eventually settled down and wrote about methods and objectives and application of linguistic and exegetical classes I'd taken. I got out of the exam nervous about the outcome. It's a pass/fail evaluation, but I was pretty unsure whether some of my answers were adequate.
Relief and exaltation came with an email at 10 pm on Friday congratulating me on passing the exams!
Now the only thing between me and an MA are four classes and three weeks. Today I gave a presentation. Yesterday I wrote up a reflective evaluation. Next week I'll turn in an annotated bibliography. There are final papers and exams as well as reading reports along the way. But assignment by assignment, deadline by deadline, I am progressing towards the finish line.
My good mood has been enhanced by the wonderful, warm, sunny weather we've been having. As I ride around on my bike, looking at the flowersl and enjoying the spring weather, I am exhilarated. So close to freedom!
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Here's Hopin'
"...an anguished young Trappist monk spoke up: 'We've spoken of the loss of faith in American society. But what of loss of faith within the monastery itself?'He indicated that he was living, as a monk, with profound doubts, and that while the monastery was where he felt he belonged, at times his life there was nearly unbearable. Friar Lafont nodded; none of this, evidently, was a surprise to him. What he said in response struck me as both practical and thoroughly monastic: 'Of course we are weak, unable to cope. But if we can maintain faith, hope, and charity, it will radiate somehow. And people who come to us may find in us what we can no longer see in ourselves.'" (Kathleen Norris, The Cloister Walk, p. 363).
I identify with this young monk. I have believe in Jesus as long as I can remember, been a part of a Christian family, gone to Christian school. When I was old enough to choose my own path, I wanted to study theology and missions. I chose to study linguistics and exegesis so that I could learn an original language of the Bible. I have been a part of faith communities and been expected to be a leader among other believers. But sometimes I have major doubts. I wonder if I can ever minister to anyone considering how bankrupt my own soul seems to me. I have nothing with which to minister to others.
But in that despair, I cling to the words of the wise friar. Hope, faith, and charity will somehow radiate from me, and others will see what I no longer glimpse in myself. Better yet, I believe that I do not have to be the one who works to hold onto this faith, hope, and love. Jesus is holding onto me. The Holy Spirit is working in me. Maybe it's the winter months when nothing much seems to be growing on the vine of my self, but soon will come the spring, bursting into life. Or maybe not. Regardless, I'm continuing to trust, fighting for hope.
I identify with this young monk. I have believe in Jesus as long as I can remember, been a part of a Christian family, gone to Christian school. When I was old enough to choose my own path, I wanted to study theology and missions. I chose to study linguistics and exegesis so that I could learn an original language of the Bible. I have been a part of faith communities and been expected to be a leader among other believers. But sometimes I have major doubts. I wonder if I can ever minister to anyone considering how bankrupt my own soul seems to me. I have nothing with which to minister to others.
But in that despair, I cling to the words of the wise friar. Hope, faith, and charity will somehow radiate from me, and others will see what I no longer glimpse in myself. Better yet, I believe that I do not have to be the one who works to hold onto this faith, hope, and love. Jesus is holding onto me. The Holy Spirit is working in me. Maybe it's the winter months when nothing much seems to be growing on the vine of my self, but soon will come the spring, bursting into life. Or maybe not. Regardless, I'm continuing to trust, fighting for hope.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Downcast Soul
It's been quite a long time since my last post! Perhaps you were thinking that I was going to be like any other blogger who starts to write about something then lets it die. Nope. And it's not that my life hasn't had a lot going on in it lately, either. I could have written about plenty.
I could have written about going to my undergrad in Iowa and presenting at Dordt's annual "Hug a Linguist" seminars. I could have talked about what a great trip it was but how it reminded me that I need to prepare different sorts of messages for different audiences (I think my presentations were a little too academically weighty for most of the undergrads). I was also thankful that Sioux Center doesn't make me wish I had chosen differently. I'm pretty content with life in BC because I believe that's where God asked me to go.
I could have written about all my fun times with friends over the past semester. We celebrated American Thanksgiving in style with cinnamon buns for breakfast, birthday celebrations at lunch, and a huge potluck at school in the evening. I've watched movies, sat in hot tubs, gone to the US, gone shopping, etc.
I could have written about my massive assignments. I took over the library with my 17 pieces of discourse chart spread out along a wall and wrote a paper in two days (not something I was particularly proud of, but it happened). I read a biblical passage in Greek in order to look for key words in a paper on the interpretation of Acts 17. Lots of other things, but Christmas break has muddled my mind as to academics last year. I could have written about all the things I learned.
But I lacked the heart. Perhaps for the past few months I've stopped seeing life as part of an adventure and more like something to get through. Now you may be thinking, oh great. Here comes the "I've had a rough time but I've come through on the other side" blog. Nope. If you're anything like me, you can stop that internal rant about people just talking about their struggles when they're past them. I'm not doing that. I'm just finally ready to talk about my struggles a little bit. I'm still in the midst of them.
In fact, I was able to articulate what's been going on for me just a few weeks ago when I was home with my parents over Christmas break. I told them I felt afraid and alone and lost. Just naming the looming fears inside me helped a lot.
And now it's been months since Christmas, and I still haven't put out this blog. Probably because I'm still working through so much. The struggle feels distant because I've chosen to put my questions and hauntings on the back burner. I need to get through school right now. I'm not afraid anymore, and I usually don't feel too alone. But I do feel lost and broken.
I suspect that God wants me in ministry long-term, but I can't minister from the state I'm in right now. I need to take time to figure out the basics and connect to God on a heart level. I know the right answers, but it's not good enough. I want to feel deeply convicted about who Jesus is to me and what difference God makes in my life. Beyond culture or comfort, I want the Gospel to be alive to me so that I can testify about the Kingdom of God in truth. I'll explain more later, but now I feel like this post needs to stop sitting in my drafts.
Pray for me. Some days are filled with light and life, and some days are a desolate wasteland. I'm not really sure why, and I can't predict my moods. I will choose, though, to put my hope in the Lord. I will not let him go until he blesses me. And I will count those blessings every time I start to slip into despondency.
I could have written about going to my undergrad in Iowa and presenting at Dordt's annual "Hug a Linguist" seminars. I could have talked about what a great trip it was but how it reminded me that I need to prepare different sorts of messages for different audiences (I think my presentations were a little too academically weighty for most of the undergrads). I was also thankful that Sioux Center doesn't make me wish I had chosen differently. I'm pretty content with life in BC because I believe that's where God asked me to go.
I could have written about all my fun times with friends over the past semester. We celebrated American Thanksgiving in style with cinnamon buns for breakfast, birthday celebrations at lunch, and a huge potluck at school in the evening. I've watched movies, sat in hot tubs, gone to the US, gone shopping, etc.
I could have written about my massive assignments. I took over the library with my 17 pieces of discourse chart spread out along a wall and wrote a paper in two days (not something I was particularly proud of, but it happened). I read a biblical passage in Greek in order to look for key words in a paper on the interpretation of Acts 17. Lots of other things, but Christmas break has muddled my mind as to academics last year. I could have written about all the things I learned.
But I lacked the heart. Perhaps for the past few months I've stopped seeing life as part of an adventure and more like something to get through. Now you may be thinking, oh great. Here comes the "I've had a rough time but I've come through on the other side" blog. Nope. If you're anything like me, you can stop that internal rant about people just talking about their struggles when they're past them. I'm not doing that. I'm just finally ready to talk about my struggles a little bit. I'm still in the midst of them.
In fact, I was able to articulate what's been going on for me just a few weeks ago when I was home with my parents over Christmas break. I told them I felt afraid and alone and lost. Just naming the looming fears inside me helped a lot.
And now it's been months since Christmas, and I still haven't put out this blog. Probably because I'm still working through so much. The struggle feels distant because I've chosen to put my questions and hauntings on the back burner. I need to get through school right now. I'm not afraid anymore, and I usually don't feel too alone. But I do feel lost and broken.
I suspect that God wants me in ministry long-term, but I can't minister from the state I'm in right now. I need to take time to figure out the basics and connect to God on a heart level. I know the right answers, but it's not good enough. I want to feel deeply convicted about who Jesus is to me and what difference God makes in my life. Beyond culture or comfort, I want the Gospel to be alive to me so that I can testify about the Kingdom of God in truth. I'll explain more later, but now I feel like this post needs to stop sitting in my drafts.
Pray for me. Some days are filled with light and life, and some days are a desolate wasteland. I'm not really sure why, and I can't predict my moods. I will choose, though, to put my hope in the Lord. I will not let him go until he blesses me. And I will count those blessings every time I start to slip into despondency.
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