Homeless

Yes, homeless. For the time being. I'm traveling for the next three months. I graduated a week ago today, packed up my life in BC, said goodbyes, and headed to Alberta to visit family. I'm spending different nights at my aunt's and uncle's houses before flying across the big blue to the Netherlands for the summer. I'll be living in the Hague with my Dutch brother, his wife, and four-month-old daughter. I'll be the nanny for the month of May, stealing a weekend away to visit a friend from school in BC in Venice. Then I'll be in France for several weeks traveling around, visiting my adopted family from BC and probably going to Taize monastery before returning to the Netherlands for the month of July. That's as far as I have planned. I'll probably go other places, but I want to leave the schedule open.

I'm looking forward to some school-free time. Time to refresh, reconnect with God and who He wants me to be. I'm looking forward to being totally engrossed in an infant's life, giving up my own desires for those of another person. Maybe I'll be regretting those words soon, but right now, I have high hopes.

After the summer, you ask? No plans. I'm taking it one step at a time. I've got plans until the first weekend of August, and that's enough for me. I trust that God will make my path clear when I need to know. Yeah, I know it's not the way that most people expect life to be after earning a master's degree, but thus far, God hasn't asked me to do what everyone else does. I doubt He'll start any time soon. So I'm still learning the lessons he wants. Die to self. Find my home in him. Rest contentedly in his will. To suffer, which produces perseverance, perseverance character, and character hope (Ro 5:4). I can do no more.

Done with class!

Today was my last day of classes at CanIL, and for the foreseeable future. I didn't even realize it until my last class of the day was over. Then I got very excited and actually squealed it out for the whole class to hear.

Somehow the three exams and major paper standing in my way yet deter me from full celebration. But there are reasons for celebration regardless. In two weeks, I'll be gone from British Columbia, and I'll have no idea if/when I'll ever return. There's a lot to do in the next two weeks. It is my hope and prayer that I can focus on the good and be fully "present" for my last days here even though I'll be tempted to wallow in fear and sadness and questions. It's always hard for me to leave a place, to leave people, to leave what is familiar. Time marches on, though. All humans move, change. God give us the grace to move on with smiles on our faces and no regrets.

Accent Mutt

This morning in church I was pondering the spelling differences between Canadian and US English. And I was thinking about the way my mouth forms words like "God" and "sorrow" now. These language differences and the fact that I ponder them reflect that I am a linguist.

I am a linguist! In fact, I will be graduating with a master's of linguistics and exegesis in two weeks' time. And then I have no idea what I will do with this degree. I'm going to Europe for the summer, and I'm eager to spend some time with my Dutch brother Edo and his family as well as friends in Italy, France, and Germany. Lately I've been considering how I will have the opportunity to begin learning at least three different languages this summer, and I'm excited about that.

But it's also kind of disheartening. I have it in my head that graduation should bring some closure, new plans, and an opportunity to settle down somewhere. Instead, my life is looking more and more tumultuous. A trip to Europe, family reunions, and no long terms plans whatsoever.

All of this change is exciting in some ways, but it exacerbates my longing for a normal life. I want to settle down somewhere, get a job, and be a contributing member of society. However, a nagging niggle inside makes me doubt that "settled" will describe my life any time soon. I will always be an accent mutt; no matter where I go, people will think that I sound different. I'll have strains of Chicago, Canada, even Iowa in my English. Nicaraguan gestures continue to salt my interactions in North America. I am fairly certain I'll pick up some European - specifically Dutch - intonation and habits as well. Though these influences demonstrate the rich opportunities I've had in life, they also remind me that I'm not at "home" and probably never will be. In these times of change when sometimes I just want to hold onto the old ways and never let go, I have to continually open my hands and open my heart to the people and places before me. I have to remember again that I will never be truly home in the world, for the only place I find rest and "home" is in Jesus Christ, my Lord.

Rockin' the Milestones

The end of my education (I hope!) is coming very near. Less than a month to go until I graduate with a master's degree in linguistics and exegesis. Step by step, we're moving forward.

Who am I kidding? I'm rockin' the deadlines, yo. I own this stuff.

This past Friday I took comprehensive exams. It was slotted for three hours in the computer lab. Four essay questions (2 required plus 2 out of 4 for choice), approximately 2 pages each, with approximately a half hour per question. In order to graduate from the master's program, we have to either write a thesis or take two more classes plus comprehensive exams. I took the exams.  I had studied for the exam, but not too much. We had been told it was mostly reflection and synthesis of our education over the past two years and how it affected us. Our advising professor, the program chairman, had told us to think of the exam in terms of "thoughts you have in the shower." Like the reflections on our learning that go through our minds.

Well, I got to the exam and realized our advisor must have much more analytic thoughts than me! I spent the first twenty minutes panicking, but I eventually settled down and wrote about methods and objectives and application of linguistic and exegetical classes I'd taken. I got out of the exam nervous about the outcome. It's a pass/fail evaluation, but I was pretty unsure whether some of my answers were adequate.

Relief and exaltation came with an email at 10 pm on Friday congratulating me on passing the exams!

Now the only thing between me and an MA are four classes and three weeks. Today I gave a presentation. Yesterday I wrote up a reflective evaluation. Next week I'll turn in an annotated bibliography. There are final papers and exams as well as reading reports along the way. But assignment by assignment, deadline by deadline, I am progressing towards the finish line.

My good mood has been enhanced by the wonderful, warm, sunny weather we've been having. As I ride around on my bike, looking at the flowersl and enjoying the spring weather, I am exhilarated. So close to freedom!

Here's Hopin'

"...an anguished young Trappist monk spoke up: 'We've spoken of the loss of faith in American society. But what of loss of faith within the monastery itself?'He indicated that he was living, as a monk, with profound doubts, and that while the monastery was where he felt he belonged, at times his life there was nearly unbearable. Friar Lafont nodded; none of this, evidently, was a surprise to him. What he said in response struck me as both practical and thoroughly monastic: 'Of course we are weak, unable to cope. But if we can maintain faith, hope, and charity, it will radiate somehow. And people who come to us may find in us what we can no longer see in ourselves.'" (Kathleen Norris, The Cloister Walk, p. 363).

I identify with this young monk. I have believe in Jesus as long as I can remember, been a part of a Christian family, gone to Christian school. When I was old enough to choose my own path, I wanted to study theology and missions. I chose to study linguistics and exegesis so that I could learn an original language of the Bible. I  have been a part of faith communities and been expected to be a leader among other believers. But sometimes I have major doubts. I wonder if I can ever minister to anyone considering how bankrupt my own soul seems to me. I have nothing with which to minister to others.

But in that despair, I cling to the words of the wise friar. Hope, faith, and charity will somehow radiate from me, and others will see what I no longer glimpse in myself. Better yet, I believe that I do not have to be the one who works to hold onto this faith, hope, and love. Jesus is holding onto me. The Holy Spirit is working in me. Maybe it's the winter months when nothing much seems to be growing on the vine of my self, but soon will come the spring, bursting into life. Or maybe not. Regardless, I'm continuing to trust, fighting for hope.

Downcast Soul

It's been quite a long time since my last post! Perhaps you were thinking that I was going to be like any other blogger who starts to write about something then lets it die. Nope. And it's not that my life hasn't had a lot going on in it lately, either. I could have written about plenty.

I could have written about going to my undergrad in Iowa and presenting at Dordt's annual "Hug a Linguist" seminars. I could have talked about what a great trip it was but how it reminded me that I need to prepare different sorts of messages for different audiences (I think my presentations were a little too academically weighty for most of the undergrads). I was also thankful that Sioux Center doesn't make me wish I had chosen differently. I'm pretty content with life in BC because I believe that's where God asked me to go.

I could have written about all my fun times with friends over the past semester. We celebrated American Thanksgiving in style with cinnamon buns for breakfast, birthday celebrations at lunch, and a huge potluck at school in the evening. I've watched movies, sat in hot tubs, gone to the US, gone shopping, etc.

I could have written about my massive assignments. I took over the library with my 17 pieces of discourse chart spread out along a wall and wrote a paper in two days (not something I was particularly proud of, but it happened). I read a biblical passage in Greek in order to look for key words in a paper on the interpretation of Acts 17. Lots of other things, but Christmas break has muddled my mind as to academics last year. I could have written about all the things I learned.

But I lacked the heart. Perhaps for the past few months I've stopped seeing life as part of an adventure and more like something to get through. Now you may be thinking, oh great. Here comes the "I've had a rough time but I've come through on the other side" blog. Nope. If you're anything like me, you can stop that internal rant about people just talking about their struggles when they're past them. I'm not doing that. I'm just finally ready to talk about my struggles a little bit. I'm still in the midst of them.

In fact, I was able to articulate what's been going on for me just a few weeks ago when I was home with my parents over Christmas break. I told them I felt afraid and alone and lost. Just naming the looming fears inside me helped a lot.

And now it's been months since Christmas, and I still haven't put out this blog. Probably because I'm still working through so much. The struggle feels distant because I've chosen to put my questions and hauntings on the back burner. I need to get through school right now. I'm not afraid anymore, and I usually don't feel too alone. But I do feel lost and broken.

I suspect that God wants me in ministry long-term, but I can't minister from the state I'm in right now. I need to take time to figure out the basics and connect to God on a heart level. I know the right answers, but it's not good enough. I want to feel deeply convicted about who Jesus is to me and what difference God makes in my life. Beyond culture or comfort, I want the Gospel to be alive to me so that I can testify about the Kingdom of God in truth. I'll explain more later, but now I feel like this post needs to stop sitting in my drafts.
Pray for me. Some days are filled with light and life, and some days are a desolate wasteland. I'm not really sure why, and I can't predict my moods. I will choose, though, to put my hope in the Lord. I will not let him go until he blesses me. And I will count those blessings every time I start to slip into despondency.

Thanksgiving Canada style

I can't believe a month of school has already gone by! Time seems like it has gone very quickly, and yet not. It also seems like it's gone very slowly. Anyways...this weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving.

You'd think it wouldn't matter to me since I'm American. It's not really my holiday, the Canadians think. I say that I have enough things to be thankful for that I can have two official holidays to celebrate it all. Before I tell you the things I'm thankful for, let me ruminate on the holiday of thanksgiving. First off, like I said, I have lots to be thankful for.

Secondly, I don't really feel like holidays are important for their dates, but I do think they're important for what they represent. On one hand, I don't feel like any holidays are really important because I drift around. I haven't been in the States for American thanksgiving for the past three years, so it doesn't really bother me to miss it. On the other hand, any national holiday that celebrates family and friends and belonging in community makes me feel that drifting more keenly. It doesn't matter if it's "my" national holiday or any other, but sometimes a holiday makes me feel alone. I think I'll be fine, that I will enjoy introverted time, and then when the day comes, I feel alone. I guess I should learn to know myself better and schedule accordingly.

However, the lonely days drive me to my real Home, my Father God. And once I get over my lack of family nearby, I really enjoy my alone time. Today, I baked cookies, bread, and my first attempt at granola. I feel quite accomplished. Plus, I've been getting to eat some good leftovers from my housemate's delish cooking.
In addition to these things, I'm thankful for:

Plans tomorrow: bike ride in the morning, dinner with friends in the evening, movie at night.
Friends: here in BC, Dordt friends, people I grew up with. They're all important to me, and they enrich my life!
Family: my dad, mom, and brother. Also extended family, like grandparents, great-aunts and uncles, aunts and uncles, cousins, and all the others. I'm thankful for visits to and from them, and for a diverse group of people to teach me more about God's love.
In with family are the people who aren't family by blood but they may as well be. My big brother Edo and all connected to him, the exchange student we had from Germany, my Nicaraguan host family, and the Fluits who have taken me in here in BC. These are people who brighten my day and fill me with happiness.
Food: I love pretty much all kinds, and I never have worried about having enough. Thank you, Jesus.
Lovely scenery: Lately the weather in BC has been great, and I drink in the sights and smells with joy
School: I get to learn stuff I've been waiting to learn half my life! And I like what I'm studying, and the people I'm learning with
Work: I get paid to interact with students as well as work at sports events (free men's volleyball games, woot!)

I could go on and on, but these are some of them for now. More will be given in November, my next go at a holiday just for saying thank you.